The Simmons' Spot

The Dreaded Question Mark?

2011-09-28T10:34:00.000-04:00

My life is one big question mark. My husband's job is changing and we are not sure where God is calling us to change. Is He calling us to stay put and embrace the new adventure of a new job, or is He calling us to relocate and embrace the new adventure of a new community? Both are scary. Both are sad. Both are titillating. But for all the things they both are, only one thing is clear, neither of them are clear!

I don't do well with question marks. It saps my energy, and makes me moody. The house doesn't get clean, the dinners don't get planned. I don't send back the paperwork sent home, or give the kids baths. Work is ignored, and even time with friends is avoided. I just can't find the energy to live energetically when my future is out of focus.

But honestly, it's not out of focus. God just has not given me the lens to see yet. God knows where He is calling us. God knows where our kids will thrive and our marriage deepen. God knows where Joshua will be the biggest blessing to foster kids. And God knows where I need to be to be pressed and pulled into fuller relationship with him. There are no question marks to God. There are no fuzzy outcomes.

All of life is a gift (as I'm trying to learn). Even these question marks and all the ones that will come after these. He holds back clarity not to frustrate but to care and prune. He keeps things fuzzy to develop character and dependance.

So today I can press into the questions marks and be glad...well gladness at this stage might be asking too much, but I can at least be thankful. Thankful that nothing is a question mark to the Lord and that nothing (not even a bad choice) can separate me from His love or provision.

So what is my task in these days of decision? I think it is to fling my questions marks about the future onto the Lord and run with energy in the present, to live fully in today.

Maybe leaving the ?'s to the Lord will lead to a clean kitchen and bread made...sigh. We shall see.

Mind-Binding Quote of the Day-OUCH!

2011-09-26T13:16:00.001-04:00

Pondering this today:

"We have the blessed Holy Spirit present, and we are treating Him as if He were not present at all. We resist Him, disobey Him, quench Him and compromise with our hearts. We hear a sermon about Him and determine to learn more and do something about it. Our conviction wears off, and soon we go back to the same old dead level we were in before. We resist the blessed Comforter. He has come to comfort. He has come to teach. He is the Spirit of instruction. He has come to bring light for He is the Spirit of light. He comes to bring purity for He is the Spirit of holiness. He comes to bring power for He is the Spirit of power...We would like to be full of the Spirit and yet go on and do as we please. The Holy Spirit who inspired the Scriptures will expect obedience to the Scriptures, and if we do not obey the Scriptures, we will quench Him. This Spirit will have obedience—but people do not want to obey the Lord. Everyone is as full as he wants to be. Everyone has as much of God as he desires to have. There is a fugitive impulse that comes to us, in spite of what we ask for when we pray in public, or even in private. We want the thrill of being full, but we don’t want to meet the conditions. We just don’t want to be filled badly enough to be filled...If there is anything in your life more demanding than your longing after God, then you will never be a Spirit-filled Christian. I have met Christians who have been wanting to be filled, in a vague sort of way, for many years. The reason they have not been filled with the Spirit is because they have other things they want more. God does not come rushing into a human heart unless He knows that He is the answer and fulfillment to the greatest, most overpowering desire of that life."

A.W Tozer

Ouch Ouch Ouch Ouch Ouch Ouch Ouch

What do I want more than I want the Lord? Many things. Am I guilty of wanting the fullness of the Spirit for my own vain purposes? Sadly, yes.

Spirit of the Living Holy God, win this rocky, weak, dumb heart.

Mind-Binding Quote of the Day-A Storm is Coming

2011-06-07T16:44:00.000-04:00

I've been feeling like I'm in the middle of a few storms right now.

A Storm in my funding (I'm in a deficit)
A Storm in conversations around the philosophy and ideology of Small Groups and their purpose.
A Storm in the parenting of a three year old who only seems to know how to yell and scream in response to all parenting strategies. And in the parenting of a four year old who dissolves into tears at the smallest thing. And in the parenting of a seven year old who sometimes has the attitude of a 15 year old with a romantic sensibility to match.

Storms make me angry. They make me weary, and eventually they make me despair.

But in the book, "Under the Unpredictable Plant" by Eugene Peterson, I find a different perspective on storms, and a different perspective on myself. Peterson is unpacking the story of Jonah in the book and using Jonah's story to help ministers understand their own story.

Jonah faced a big storm (Jonah 1), one that got him thrown overboard by his ship mates. Peterson compares Jonah's reaction to his storm with Paul's reaction to a similar storm in Acts 27. One of the biggest differences between the two ministers is that one faces his storm with prayer, and one does not. Peterson concludes the chapter by saying this about prayer:

Prayer is the connecting thread binding these sea storm stories; prayer is the articulation of human response to the word of God, the word that creates and saves. The sea storms that call into question our vocations turn out to be the means of vocational recovery. They expose us to what we cannot manage. We are returned to primordial chaos...where we submit our lives to the world-making word of God. These storms are not simply bad weather; they are the exposure of our lives to the brooding, hovering wind/spirit of God. In the storm we are reduced to what is elemental, and the ultimate elemental is God. And so prayer emerges as the single act that has to do with God. Our vocations are God-called, God-shaped lifework. The moment we drift away from dealing with God primarily (and not merely peripherally), we are no longer living vocationally, no longer living in conscious, willing participatory relation with the vast reality that constitutes our lives and the entire world around us. The storm either exposes the futility of our work (as in Jonah) or confirms it (as in Paul). In either case, the storm forces the awareness that God constitutes our work, and it disabuses us of any suggestion that in our work we can avoid or manipulate God. Once that is established we are ready to learn the spirituality that is adequate to our vocation, working truly, easily, fearlessly, without ambition or anxiety, without denial or sloth.

These storms, all storms actually, are good for me. They remind me that I am not God-no matter how hard I try- and storms make me STOP and acknowledge that I'm acting god-like. Storms hopefully press me to pray because there is only one Being in my world who can calm the storm. And that is the real and Living God.

I would encourage you to check out this book-if you are a minister, a parent or a human. We all have a calling in the kingdom-we all have a vocation. Every page so far has deeply blessed my understanding of my own vocation.

The Brat Returns: When Prayer is Hard

2011-06-03T09:39:00.000-04:00

I have been spending time in the Psalms lately. There is a blog I check in on called MamaMonk. And she has a post about how she stays connected to God. I was challenged by her thoughts and have been trying out her connection plan.

This plan ran me right into Psalm 21 and right into a pocket of my heart that stays shoved out of sight-hidden from others, myself, and I like to pretend, God.

This Psalm is a happy one. Full of celebration and praise to the God who provides. Here is how it starts:

O Lord, the king rejoices in your strength.

How great is his joy in the victories you give!

You have granted him the desire of his heart

and have not withheld the request of his lips.

As I continued to read about all God had done in the life of this king my heart became increasingly sad, and this part of myself that I ignore and stuff out of sight, started to surface and overwhelm me.

There are two things that I've asked for over the past 10 years. Two things that God has seemingly ignored. I know this is bad theology, I know that I might not be asking for good stuff, or more correctly, the right stuff. But in the area of prayer and relationship this is a hard thing for me. I feel abandoned. I read these verses and scoff. This may be true for some, but not for me.

This hidden saddness sucks the power and energy out of my prayer life. When I'm praying for others, this part of me is detached and distant from their needs. When I'm praying bold prayers, this pocket fears and sweats. When I'm pressing toward God with a full trust, there is this part of me that leans away, a part that says, "What's the point of praying...He is just going to do what He wants."

I stayed here a few days-Annoyed, saddened and tired of ignoring this part of myself.

Then I revisited Psalm 21, and things were different. I was still sad, but God showed up and as I read the verses (that days before had highlighted my unanswered need) this time through, God used them to remind me of all the prayers He has answered. He pressed close into this distant part of my heart and comforted my sadness in the areas still left unanswered. And He guided me to a verse I had overlooked days before-verse 6.

Surely You have granted him eternal blessings

and made him glad with the joy of Your Presence.

God has not answered all my prayers, and I will keep praying for these two things and more until He responses, but God has granted me the desire of my heart. He has given me Himself. He has made Himself fully present to me, and has clothed me with the righteousness of His Son so that I can be fully present to Him (hidden junk and all). And that fuels my prayers. That He is here, always here, close to me. And He is paying attention.

Creation, Incarnation, Crucifixion, Resurrection-His Love Endures Forever

2011-04-24T07:27:00.001-04:00

Psalm 136
By Allison King

Black
Blank
Light
breaks:
His love endures forever.

Sky
formed
Earth
born:
His love endures forever.

To him alone
who
breathed me, breathed you:
His love endures forever

Sin brings death
God now flesh*:
His love endures forever.

Perfection walks among,
Illustrates Anointed One:
His love endures forever.

Skin breaks
as
Thin steaks
force their way through flesh:
His love endures forever.

He
cries
Then
dies:
His love endures forever.

Black
Blank
Hope
Sank:
His love endures forever.

Days change
Spirit flames
He renames
Death,
Life:
His love endures forever.

*In more current versions of this poem this line is changed to "God in Flesh" based on the poet's own theological understanding of incarnation developing. However I first heard and fell in love with this poem in it's first "draft" and that is the one I'm posting. Thanks Ace for letting me use it.

In Honor of Good Friday, & the Few Faithful at the Cross

2011-04-22T05:00:00.004-04:00

Funeral Blues

by W.H. Auden

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,

Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,

Silence the pianos and with muffled drum

Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead

Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,

Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public dove,

Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,

My working week and my Sunday rest,

My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;

I thought that love would last for ever : I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now : put out every one;

Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;

Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;

For nothing now can ever come to any good.

Lent, Suffering and The Tortures of Taking Sabbath

2011-04-19T07:00:00.000-04:00

I've been reflecting on the parent stylings of Mary, Mother of our Lord and Savior, Jesus.

Reflecting on her experience at the foot of the cross.

Challenged by her ability to watch her son accused and tortured, staying silent, trusting Jesus to God.

And then, after all this is done. After Jesus is dead. Mary doesn't stay and watch over his body-like I would. She doesn't linger in her grief. She leaves Jesus' body to a religious leader, whose name happens to be Joseph, and goes home to get ready for the Sabbath.

Mary's relationship with her God is so strong and grounded that even the death of her son does not throw the rhythm of her faith. It doesn't takes precedent over her following the good and whole discipline of taking rest, as her God commanded her to.

Too often my kids become my little gods. Too often I put my love for them, my hopes for them, my passion for their happiness and success over my love, hope and passion for God and His kingdom. Too often I bow to the demons of materialism, selfish ambition, and pride in order to give them the life they ask for or that I am convinced they need. And I have to be honest that I would struggle with the Lord if one of my kids got sick or worse. My relationship with Him would become much more "complicated."

But as a mommy of little ones I wonder how Mary pressed into God the Father while Jesus was young. I wonder about her life and her faith when Jesus is just born and shepherds come and tell about the angels. When she takes Him to the temple to be circumcised and Simeon tells her that Jesus will cause the thoughts of many hearts to be revealed and that a sword will pierce her soul. I wonder how she moves toward God when the wise men come and offer the gifts. When she and Joseph and Jesus are refugees in Egypt. When they lose Jesus, only to find Him at the temple. I wonder how she took each of these moments and cultivated a faith life that was not centered on her son, but was centered on her God.

I wonder about those things and I ask God to cultivate a Mary heart in me.

I pray that the Father, Son, Spirit God would be my one consuming passion, and that He would teach me now, in the littleness of my mommy life, to put my relationship with Him above my relationship with my kids. And that no matter what comes in their lives or in mine, that at the end of the day, the end of the week, the end of my life, I'll be able to leave my Cecilia, my Gareth and my little Audrey in the hands of their True Parent, and take my rest.

Lent, Suffering, and the Dreaded Justin Beiber Fan Club

2011-04-17T07:00:00.005-04:00

Yesterday I started a post series on Mary and her compelling parenting.

I've been dwelling on her place at the cross-on how Mary suffered there too. In a way, She suffered Jesus' suffering, and His suffering saved the world.

Watching a clip from "The Passion of Christ" and reading the Biblical account of Christ's passion has convinced me that Mary was a good parent. Not surprising right. I mean God did pick her to parent His one and only Son. And reading about her silent presence at the cross leads me to believed that she parented Jesus in a way that blessed Him, prepared Him for the cross.

At Cecilia's school there is a group of little girls who like to exclude. Occasionally, they use recess to "play" Justin Beiber Fan Club. I don't know what 6 and 7 year old girls do to play JBFC, but play they do, and Cecilia is not invited to join in. She does not own any JB clothes or lunch boxes. She is in essence not a fan, and therefore not included.

On nights when she is hurting from being excluded my heart wants action and justice. It wants to dislike those little girls, it wants to email her teacher or other mothers and put a stop to such silliness (which is silliness in itself). At the very least it wants to tell Cecilia how much better it is not to be a JB fan and build her up.

But this heart is not an excellent heart. And it is not a good parent either.

This hurt is small, but as my kids grow, the hurts will too. They will be excluded from significant things. They will be misused by others, denied opportunities, hurt by brokenness. If the fullness of my hopes for them come about, and they each walk into a passionate relationship with God, they will have to die to themselves, and that hurts. And I will have to make a choice.

As a mom I have considerable power both in the world of my kids and in their hearts. And it is important that I am learning even in these small hurts of little-dom to follow the Spirit. I must ask how my parenting of her exclusion from a silly club now is preparing her for suffering with Christ later. And preparing me to suffer her suffering. Because Paul tells me loud and clear- To know Christ, really know Him and live in the fullness of that knowledge means my kids will have to suffer.

And I have to fight tooth and nail against the compulsion to protect my kiddo's from all hurt, to dry all tears, to work out their lives so that they live in happiness and peace-as if I even have this power. I have to start preparing each of them now to take up their cross and to follow Christ. Not to run from pain, or attack when hurt, or to avoid suffering, but to trust themselves to their Good and True Parent. And I have to start preparing myself for the wild, glorious and painful ride that God is hopefully going to take my Cecilia, my Gareth, and my little Audrey on.

Lent, Suffering and the Parenting Example of Mary

2011-04-15T07:00:00.004-04:00

A couple of Sundays ago, my pastor showed a clip from "The Passion of Christ." The clip showed one of the times that Christ was beaten and God used it to show me some hard things about myself which I wrote about in an earlier post.

But something else struck me while I was watching this clip. Jesus isn't the only one who suffered the cross. His mother Mary was there the whole time.

Please don't get me wrong. I know that the suffering our Lord endured on the cross was the most intense suffering humanity has ever known, but I think it is right to consider Mary's suffering there as well. Can you imagine what it was like to gaze upon your child in such agony? When I see my kids stumble and skin a knee my stomach turns. To see them tortured and killed...I can't comprehend that.

In the movie clip her presence gives Jesus focus and strength. He makes eye contact with her, and stands up to take more from the Roman thugs. And she stands there and silently watches her first born take the lashes that belonged to me, that belonged to the world, that belonged to herself.

You might be thinking, "Yeah but that is just the movie..." Although when I read the biblical account, I'm drawn to the same conclusion: she was there, and she was silent.

Her parenting challenges me considerably. She doesn't shout out. She doesn't demand justice for her son. She entrusts Jesus to her heavenly Father. And when all is said and done, when her little boy is dead, she doesn't take care of Him. She doesn't stand guard over His dead body. She goes home, and takes the Sabbath rest that her God commands her to.

This leads me to two thoughts:

I firmly believed that Mary parented Jesus in a way that blessed Him, prepared Him for the cross.
Her love for her child does not define her relationship with her God

The next two posts will unpack these two ideas more.

But until then, how are you challenged by the parenting of Jesus' earthly mom?

Fearing God-Holiness according to Tozer and Lewis

2011-04-13T10:00:00.001-04:00

I've been spending a few post talking about God's holiness.

A.W Tozer seems to have written a lot about the holiness of God. This quote helps me to dig into God's holiness in a fuller way--

"Holy is the way God is. To be holy he does not conform to a standard. He is that standard. He is absolutely holy with an infinite, incomprehensible fullness of purity that is incapable of being other than it is. Because he is holy, all his attributes are holy; that is, whatever we think of as belonging to God must be thought of as holy."
A.W Tozer

This really challenges me not to ignore God's holiness, but to consider it and discipline myself into knowing God as a Holy God. Tozer is telling us that we can't even consider God's love, His peace, or any part of Him without putting it through this filter of His holiness. I know that I don't naturally do this because when I ask myself what it means that God is Holy, the concept still seems foreign and vague. But without grasping and internalizing His holiness, I will never fully get His other attributes.

And lastly CS Lewis said this about holiness:

"How little people know who think that holiness is dull. When one meets the real thing, it is irresistible”

I think I worry that the opposite of this statement is true. That God's holiness is stuffy and will bore me, but that isn't true. That is false thinking. True holiness is intriging and refreshing!

How well do you know the Holiness of God?

Fearing God-Holiness (Mother Teresa and Dirty Robes)

2011-04-12T10:00:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking about what it means to fear God. Isaiah 6 is helping my heart to understand the God whom invites me to fear Him, and yesterday I talked a bit about the first attribute of God that we see in the passage, God's Holiness, and how that holiness draws me closer to Him.

But this holiness makes me pause as well. When I really consider it, think about a God who is completely different, wholly other-I am humiliated (in the best idea of the word).

I can't love like He loves. I always will love others because I want something in return. I will always think about my own self-interest in a relationship. I can strive to be like Him, but in the end the best of me doesn't even get close to comparing to His greatness.

The passage illustrates this in verse one. It says that Isaiah sees the Living God on a throne, and the train of His robe is filling up the temple. The temple was the best that Israel had to offer. It's beauty and glory brought people from all over the ancient world to see it. It was the a high point in the history of the people of God-a place where they were the obedient and generous in their constructing God's dwelling place on earth.

And the train of God's robe easily fills it up.

The train of a robe is the lowest part of the garment, and subsequently when you are imagining someone garbed in a robe with a train, the train is the lowest point of that person. Dragging on the ground, getting dusty. See the idea with this image. The "lowest" part of God is so far beyond the best part of Israel that it fills it up, consumes it with His glory.

I think about the best that modern Christianity has to offer and I think about Mother Teresa. I'm having a love affair with her right now. Everything I read about her fascinates and challenges me. She understood what it meant to know Jesus and that deep and real knowledge pressed her to care for the poorest of the world's poor. And still the amazing Mother Teresa comes no where close to the hem of God's glorious robe.

Who are your hero's of faith? Billy Graham? Elizabeth Elliot? Jim Wallis? The best of the best. But when compared to the Best that is God all that we have to offer is consumed by His best-ness.

I can see why Paul said that the best parts of himself, of all of us, are basically crap. Because compared to a HOLY God-well you can't compare anything to a Holy God, there is no comparison.

And that is humiliating. That gives me perspective. That calls me to respect and reverence.

"Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty

and the whole earth is full of His Glory"

Fearing God-Holiness (The Good News)

2011-04-11T14:13:00.003-04:00

A passage of scripture that is helping me cultivate a fearful and reverent heart toward God is Isaiah 6.

¹ In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord, high and exalted, seated on a throne; and the train of his robe filled the temple. ² Above him were seraphim, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. ³ And they were calling to one another:
“Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty;
the whole earth is full of his glory."

Here we see one of the main descriptors of God in the Bible-Holy.

But what does it mean that God is Holy?

The "holy" used to describe God means "set apart" or I think of it as "wholly other", completely different. And this is actually a great thing about God, one that draws me more fully into His embrace.

All the junk that goes here, all the things that happen to me that I hate. All the drama I end up in that I want free from, all the ways that people break me and I break others. God is wholly above that. He is completely different. He doesn’t approach me to use me for His own advantage. He doesn’t try to consume me for Himself, and He doesn’t hold a grudge against me for all the ways I’ve screwed up. He is set apart from all that.

He is wholly other, set so apart from us and our world, that we don't have to worry about Him abusing us the way others here have abused. When we think of His fatherhood (especially if we have had lousy fathers) we can press into the fact that He is a wholly different, a completely perfect Father, and we can rest in this bold and new Fatherhood. That His holy Love is completely different that any love I've experienced. Being in a relationship with Him is so wholly refreshing because I'm not having to wade through His junk, his insecurities. He is Holy, set apart, completely different, and His holy love is freeing to my soul.

How does thinking about God (His love, His peace, His hope) as wholly other bring you refreshment and freedom?

Lent, Suffering, and giving my Husband the Silent Treatment

2011-04-05T17:58:00.000-04:00

I'm taking a break from writing about fearing God to talk about silent suffering.

This week the sermon at my church was powerful.

My pastor (Dodd) spoke out of 1 Peter 2:18-25. His call to suffer as Christ suffered was challenging! But then he took it to a whole other place. He showed a clip from "The Passion of Christ." And not the "oh look, Jesus built a chair" clip, he choose the section where Jesus is getting beaten by the Roman soldiers.

Something powerful happened in me while I watched that clip. I was reminded of moments in my marriage over the past three weeks where Joshua wounded me, "wronged" me, and I was sickened at my response. Each of these acts, that I deemed un-loving, were varying degrees of silly and all of them small. Joshua has also confessed where he needed to and we have talked through each of them. But what I did in the moment is what the Lord used to overwhelm me.

I used each of these moments as an excuses to lash out and tell Joshua exactly what I thought of his "mistake." I spoke to him with hostile tones and careless words. To put it into simple language- I was disrespectful and un-submissive.

As I watched this clip of my wonderful Lord getting beaten, I was so shamed by His silence. I was so humbled by His restraint and control, by His ability to "entrust Himself to God who judges justly." (1 Peter 2:23). Here Christ was innocently beaten and He did not make sure that his attackers knew the mistake they were making. I was moved to tears and confession.

Somewhere along the way, I have convinced myself that if I am "wronged" I must take up the charge and defend myself. At some point, I put myself in charge of taking care of myself, especially when it comes to getting the marriage I want, the life I feel I deserve. But I'm not in charge of taking care of me. When I came into a relationship with God, I gave this right over to Him-My True Father, My True King.

But I still live much of my life in the gear of "it's up to me; I have to take care of myself." And when I hit into hard moment with Joshua or the kids or work, I don't know how to downshift into the more life giving gear of "it's up to God; He will have to take up my case." It normally takes a blowout fight to get me to call out to God for help. My disrespect is really a sign that I don't live for the kingdom of God, that I live for the kingdom of Lee. It reveals that in my heart I don't trust God fully with my whole life, and that I think I can take better care of life than He can.

Respecting others comes from a deep understanding that God, all Powerful and Good, will take up your case. That He is on the move in others and in the world, and that if we follow the dynamic and difficult example of our big brother Jesus, then He will be glorified and we will be taken care of-embraced into the fullness of God's pleasure and made like Christ.

So I need to learn to give Josh the silent treatment when I feel disrespect bubbling up. I need to learn to press into my Just Judge and let Him deal with how I am "wronged." And I need to learn to be like the Spirit and say only that which flows from my Father.

Fearing God- A Quote

2011-04-01T07:00:00.013-04:00

"The Fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge"

Proverbs 1:7

As I was reading about fearing God, I came across this quote:

“ that mingled fear and love which, combined, constitute the piety of man toward God; the OT places its emphasis on the fear, the NT...on the love, though there was love in the fear of God’s saints then, as there must be fear in their love now” (Vine's Expository Dictionary quoting Trench's New Testament's Synonyms-pg 230).

Love and fear have always been connected. They've always worked together to make us into whole people. Together (and only together really) our love for God and our reverent fear of Him press us toward His fullness and toward our good and right end—our ultimate goal-being made like Christ.

Somewhere along the way we stopped allowing these two to be mingled. We want to focus more on the loving nature of our relationship with God, and not on the qualities of God that demand our profound respect. And that produces an arrogant people. Because without fear, we begin to think that God's love and mercy, His Grace, is our right. Without a healthy understanding and practice of Fearing God, we start acting entitled in our sin, annoyed in our suffering, lazy in our service.

I experienced this over the past week. My home group at church is studying peace and what it means to really know peace with God and experience the peace of God. Romans 5 is one of the places we've been camping out. "Therefore since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand." vs 1-2

To have peace now means we were once at war with God. Tim Keller puts it like this:

"When we disobey God, there are two things that happen. You not only break His law, but you assume the right or authority to do so; you claim kingship over yourself and your world. But God claims kingship over the same thing. Whenever two parties claim absolute (kingly) control over something, there is war."

How does this apply to fearing the Lord?

When I read about my peace with God, my gut reaction is this, "You bet there's peace with me and God! He is loving. He loves me. Christ died so I could be reconciled to Him. He has to be at peace with me." To get the full effect you need to imagine me saying that with a slightly smug, slightly annoyed look on my face.

In my gunked up heart, I feel I have a right to peace with God because He is loving. But when I press myself toward fearing the Lord, toward this other, bigger understand of Him, then I am humbled and overwhelmed by this peace I have with God. I am deeply grateful to my big brother, Jesus, who ended the war between me and my good King. I am brought to the throne and I worship with tears and joy.

Fearing God-The Definition

2011-03-31T07:00:00.013-04:00

"The Fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge"

Proverbs 1:7

Yesterday, I wrote about what fear of the Lord is not. That post begs this post.

What does it mean to fear God?

There are two Hebrew words used when writers talked about this fear in the Hebrew Bible (our Old Testament). One means "the fear of being before a superior kind of being. Usually it is used to describe the reaction evoked in men by God's mighty works of destruction and sovereignty." The other communicates a reverence. (Vine's Expository Dictionary, pg 80)

Reverence here is the ticket, and I think that most of us would quickly come to this word when talking or answering questions about what it means to fear God.

But I don't know that I really understand what reverence means.

Merriam-Webster defines reverence as a "profound adoring awed respect."

So fearing the Lord is a deeply humbled worshipful respect of Who God is and what He can do. Holy reverent fear produces a quiet heart not a worried one. It makes us knell and produces gratefulness and peace. This type of fear can also hold us back from sin. It can make us tremble, not because we are scared, but more because we are overwhelmed with how GREAT our God is.

This definition makes me wonder who and what I do revere. Who's life, who's presence, who's work makes me feel adoration and respect. How often do I feel this when I'm spending time with God? Is this reverence rooted in my love for Him?

What do you revere? What humbles you about Who God is?

Fearing God-What It's NOT...

2011-03-30T09:35:00.004-04:00

"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge"

Proverbs 1:7

"Now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

1 Corinthians 13:13

I have been writing about Fearing God over the past few posts. And before I move on to talk about what it looks like and why we should fear God, I want to clear up what it is not.

Fearing God is not being afraid of God.

My favorite professor talked about this once when he was talking about our motivation to be holy people, and the motivation that we (it was a seminary class for IV staff) used to call our students to live holy lives.

He said there are three good motivators laid out in the gospel: Faith, hope and love. But the most common things we used to motivate ourselves and our students were: Guilt, shame and death.

This resonated with me. I stayed "pure" before marriage because of the deep guilt I felt when I went too far. I was kind to people and active in my IV chapter in college because I thought God was deeply ashamed of me. I was good in high school because I knew my mom would kill me if I wasn't (smile). In the end these motivators did not produce great life, and they pushed me far from my Father's embrace. They also fortified some false pride and superiority that God is still cutting out of my life.

But as I've grown closer to the Lord, as I've learned more and more about His heart, I have come to understand the deep energy that can come from being motivated out of His faithfulness to me and my faith in Him and His beauty. I've seen the long lasting fruit of things that I pursue because of the hope I have in my big brother Christ Jesus. And the freeing, overwhelming, and whole giving life I can live when I center myself in His love.

The Fear of the Lord is centered in these things too. Faith, hope and love. Holy fear is rooted in them.

So when you think about fearing God, and you start to feel anxiety, or shame, or you start to getting worried when you imagine meeting this BIG and Powerful God, you need to stop. Take a breath.

That is not appropriate fear. Not when fearing the True God. Not if you have a relationship with Him through His Son.

Try this exercise: turn to the first part of this Faith, Hope and Love verse (1 Corinthians 13). Read the chapter. When Paul writes love, replace it with God, and at the end of each phrase in verses 4-13 apply it to yourself. i.e. "God is patient with me, God is kind toward me..."

And press into the faith, hope and love that is yours through the completed work of Jesus.

"Now these three remain: faith, hope and God. Let the greatest of these in my life be God."

Where are you motivated by guilt, shame, or death?

Fearing God-The Blame Game

2011-03-25T20:55:00.000-04:00

We had a rough week here at the Simmons Spot.

Joshua's job has changed and the transition has been rough for the kids and the mom, and the dad.

This has especially shown up in Cecilia's behavior at school. She has had several bad days, a note home, and some email exchanges between her teacher and myself.

When Cecilia and I were talking about what was behind this bad (and out of character) behavior, she said this, word for word: "Well Mom, I hate to say this, but it's really your fault that I had such a bad day. YOU are the one who let me stay up late, and that is why I was bad."

Now just to clarify. I did let her stay up 45 minutes later than normal. The night before had been the only night in the week where Joshua was home. So I let the kids stay up to spend time with their Dad. I stand behind the choice that time with her Dad was more important that getting to bed on time.

Her statement instantly reminded me of others.

"Well, I hate to say it, but the woman YOU gave me caused this mess!"

"Well, I hate to bring it up, but the serpent YOU created tricked me."

"Well, it's awkward to harp on it, but the wilderness YOU led us into is just too hard, the people YOU have brought us up against are just too mighty, the gods in the land that YOU brought us into are just too inciting."

And so on it goes through the history of the Hebrew people and on into the early church and right up into my life.

"Well God, if YOU would just give us more income, we would give more away."

"Well, I don't bring this up often, but YOU are the one who made me unorganized. It was YOUR idea to make me a verbal processor."

"Well I wasn't the one who knit these little ones together God. That was all YOU. I mean can YOU blame me for yelling."

And it goes on and on.

But blaming God points me to the thing I've been writing about in the past few posts. It points to my lack of fear. I might blame someone I was afraid of, but I would not dream of blaming my junk, my limitation and my sinfulness on a ruler whom I deeply feared. Whom I fearfully loved. Whom I REALLY and fearfully knew.

Why do you think YOU blame God when you fall short?

Fearing God-The Obstacle (at least one of them)...

2011-03-23T13:51:00.002-04:00

"The Fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge..."

Proverbs 1:7

^"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

1 John 4:18

If the OT tells us over and over to fear God, how can the NT tells us that perfect love drives out fear?

In my last post I talked about how I struggle to connect with the idea of fearing the Lord. One of the reasons I struggle is because of some baggage I have left over from before I came to Christ.

I spent a good part of my younger life deeply worried about my relationship with God. I was scared that my faith was not strong enough to save me, I was anxious that God was deeply disappointed in me. I was afraid of the Lord, but I did not fear him.

Over the years God has taught me about true faith, and about His heart for me. He has convinced me that the work of His son has brought peace between Him and me, and that I am his beloved child.

I am convinced of these things. They are the foundation to my life and my love of God, and I don't want to go back to the way things were between God and myself. I don't want my relationship with Him to be defined by anxiety and worry. And anxiety and worry is what comes to my mind when I hear "Fear the Lord!" So I avoid the idea altogether.

But my baggage should not define my understanding of God or my movement toward Him. I can't start with my past junk and let that inform my understanding of fearing the Lord. I have to start with Who God is--who He has proved Himself to be in the person of Jesus Christ, who He proves Himself to be in the testimony of scripture, & who He is proving himself to be in my life. I also have to start with what the Bible calls me to. And I have to let those two things unpack my baggage & release me from it.

So if the Hebrew Bible (our Old Testament) tells me to fear the Lord, and 1 John tells me that love drives out fear, I need to admit that I'm not thinking correctly about what fearing God looks like. I need to come to my good and gracious God and ask Him to show me the right way to fear Him.

What keeps you from moving toward understanding and practicing a healthy fear of the Lord?

Fearing God-The Invitation

2011-03-21T07:00:00.004-04:00

"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge"

Proverbs 1:7

In my last post I wrote about my need to grow in the area of fearing the Lord. This actually hit me square in the face when a friend issued an invitation to me.

This part of knowing God-the fearing part- is really hard for me to connect to.

I follow God because of His love for me, His closeness and intimacy. I was won to Him because through scripture, my InterVarsity staff, and some crisis moments, He convinced me that He knew me, the real me. That He saw through all the masks I had put up, all the "good deeds" that others saw. He saw straight into the REAL LEE. The junked up, gross, ugly Lee and He loved her. He saw beauty. He saw glory. He saw what I could be in Him.

And I was won. I was forgiven and changed. Devoted to the God who loves me so completely, even though He knows all there is to know about me.

Back to fearing the LORD.

Recently I hit into this problem area of fearing God. I was studying scripture with other IV staff and the passage was highlighting some of God's more severe qualities. I was skimming, annoyed waiting for the questions to swing back to grace and love. This posture of mine troubled me, so I asked a friend to talk about it. I told him about my lack of fearing the Lord. My annoyance with the topic when I came across it in scripture. And my honest distress that this is who I was.

This was his response:

"You know Lee, God won you by knowing you completely and still loving you perfectly. I think it is time for you to return the favor."

And I agree with Him. It is time for me to return this gracious favor.

Time to know God better.

Fearing God-The Confession

2011-03-18T09:28:00.000-04:00

It is about 6 o’clock on a chilly morning. I am awakened all of the sudden for no apparent reason, and as I’m trying to settle down to go back to sleep, I hear the Lord’s invitation to get up and pray with Him. I look at the clock, consider the chill, and as I’m rolling over I say, “Sorry God, why don't you come back in 30 minutes, we'll pray then.” I drift back to sleep.

Rewind about a year and I’m standing in my new church having just taken communion. The week had been really hard. A crisis of faith had left me feeling worn thin and bruised. The pastor of my church gets up and says, “Sometimes taking communion can cause some intense things to come up. If you need to, the elders will be off to the side to pray with you.” As he spoke I felt the Lord's invitation again, “You should go and get prayer, you’ve had a tough week.”

I considered the suggestion a moment and then responded, “Nah, that’s ok. I don’t need to.” He gently encouraged me again to get prayer, “Nope. I really don’t think I need to.”

Then He got firm. “Go And Get Prayer.”

To which I literally crossed my arms over my chest and said, “I AM NOT GETTING PRAYER.”

These two stories (and many others) are like red flags in my life. Places of distress or indicators that things are not as they should be. These two stories point to a very serious problem.

I do not fear the Lord.

Some one who tells the all powerful God to come back when it suited their schedule, does not have a healthy understanding of who God is. Someone who would casually and obstinately cross their arms and tell God "NO"-the same God that created said person, that redeemed said person and that could END said person-that someone needs to consider what a healthy fear of the Lord looks like.

Proverbs 1:7 tells me that, "The FEAR of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge."

I want to learn to fear the Lord. And even though I'm anxious about this part of God, I want to know the God that deserves my fear.

The Thorn of Superiority and Charlie Sheen

2011-03-15T16:09:00.002-04:00

In my last post I talked about Christ's parable found in Matthew 13: The Farmer and the seed. I shared that lately I've been struggling with a thorny or distracted heart.

I see lent as a time to do some good gardening in the land of my heart. Tilling up hard dirt. Infusing my life with the nutrients that spiritual disciplines bring. And fasting something during lent has always led to good things in my walk with God and my life with others.

This year (just like last) I'm fasting from TV during the 40 days of lent. TV is one of my BIGGEST distractions. It is where I escape, where I recharge, where I fold laundry and clean bedrooms, and where Joshua and I spend most of our downtime together.

In this first quiet week of lent, I have begun to realize some things about the state of my heart and places that God needs to prune. One of them is my interaction with celebrity news. I stumbled on this blog post today from "Her.meneutics"-the Christianity Today blog for women. The post is about the author's and our culture's desire to consume the lives of celebrities. She says this about the recent media onslaught of news from the crazy fall of Charlie Sheen:

The disturbed actor has been offering us the intimate details of his life on a plate, and we’ve been grabbing them by the handful, wolfing them down, and licking our fingers in expectation for the next course. But, after a few weeks of noshing on Charlie’s braggadocio and the perverse details of his life, the novelty of it is — forgive me — losing its sheen. We’re sick of hearing about him, but no worries: there’s an app for that.
Our culture wipes its mouth with the back of its hand and glances absentmindedly around the room. What’s next, we wonder. We want a new distraction.

OUCH! This image of gluttony sliced open my heart. And being free of TV and alot of media that revolves around TV happenings, it made my heart ready to hear God's call to me in this area.

How I objectify celebrities and sport figures is a gross part of my life. It chokes out God's call to see all people as precious and as having deep worth. It kills the good and hard news that all brokenness is BAD and that my brokenness is no better than the brokenness I read about in "People" or on-line. I have no right to feel superior to Charlie Sheen or the NFL players (though I still feel like they are being unreasonable). This is the real reason that I gorge myself on celebrity news (or watch Super Nanny for that matter), it makes me feel like my junk isn't that bad.

Even while writing this, a small sinister voice is whispering in my mind, "Well, this isn't a REALLY bad issue for you. You're much better than others..." AAAAAKKKKKKKK. I have some BIG THORNY WEEDS in my heart. Pride and superiority are deeply enmeshed into my life. And they are choking the life right out of me.

I need to press into the truth that junk is junk. And all junk needs God's redemption, forgiveness, and junk-removal system (enter the cross, the resurrection and the blessing of the Spirit poured into our hearts). I need Easter to come, and I need it just as much as the "bad" mom at my daughter's school, just as much as the guy who flipped me off in traffic, and just as much as Charlie Sheen. Maybe even more..

Where does your superiority come out?

A Little Gardening for Fat Tuesday

2011-03-08T10:47:00.005-05:00

This week Cecilia read out the Gospels for the first time ALL BY HERSELF.

Sunday before church Cecilia and I were talking about good storytellers. We had just seen Tangled the day before (which is quite good, with a great story) and I interjected, "You know who was a great storyteller? Jesus! He loved telling stories." She was surprised and asked to hear one.

So I told her the parable of the Farmer and seeds in Mark 4.

Again Jesus... taught them [large crowd] many things by parables, and in his teaching said: “Listen! A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants, so that they did not bear grain. Still other seed fell on good soil. It came up, grew and produced a crop, some multiplying thirty, some sixty, some a hundred times.”
Then Jesus said, “Whoever has ears to hear, let them hear.”

Later in the afternoon, I looked up the passage and asked her to read it to me. She did. IT WAS AWESOME. And it made me think about Fat Tuesday, Lent, and gardening.

The soils are like our hearts. Some are hard (the path), some are shallow (the rocky), some are distracted (the thorny). And when we hear the Word of God it is like seed that falls on these soils.

In hard hearts the Word has nowhere to go. Bitterness, callousness, anger, and apathy keep the surface of our hearts tough and so God's truth can't make it in and it gets carried away by the enemy.

In shallow hearts the Word makes it below the surface, but not far enough. After an emotional experience with God, or an Ah Ha moment, the heart has no depth, no structure, no discipline for the seed to plant some roots and stick around. It soon withers and dies.

In distracted hearts the Word starts to grow, develops roots, but soon is killed by the "plants" that were already there. Our commitment to these weeds of wealth, status, independence, and happiness kill the truth that was planted by the good news of God.

When I look for myself in this story, my heart has looked like all these soils, but lately it has been mostly a thorny heart. I'm a distracted person. I read God's Word and seeds get planted in my heart: "think of others before you think about yourself;" "Do everything without grumbling or arguing;" "Don't be conceited, don't envy others." And as those seeds start growing into a beautiful and lush garden, my weedy heart starts to chock them back. My commitment to myself steals nutrients. My lack of trust that if I give of myself God will take care of me, nudges the truth out. My self-sufficiency robs the truth of the light and power it needs from the Spirit. And soon it dies.

Enter in the purning power of Lent.

Lent is a church season. 40 days before Easter, men and woman in the church give things up, fast, so that when Easter arrives our hearts are ready. Lent tills up the soil in our hearts. It begins sweeping away the rocks and infuses our hearts with nutrients. It also can be utilized to cut out distractions, to prune the things that take our affections away from the Gospel.

That is why we celebrate Lent. That is why I'll be giving something up tomorrow and will be trying to replace that thing with God. I want my heart ready. I want my heart to be soft, and deep, and clear, so when the seeds of Easter are thrown into my soul, there will be a crop beyond my wild imaginations.

What "soul" do you identify with most?

What do you need to give up to be ready to take in the seed of our Risen Lord?

A Little More Praying Library

2011-03-06T17:00:00.003-05:00

Trying to keep the posts "short" here is the continued list of books from the last post that have shaped the way I think about prayer and more importantly the way I pray.

Fifty Prayers: If you want to pray but don't feel like you know how to pray find a book of prayers that can get you started. I got this book for Christmas this year and LOVE IT! Barth is one of my favorite theologians. I love his heart, his thoughts, the way he writes, and come to find out--I adore the way he prays. This is a collection of prayers he wrote to go with his sermons, and they are arranged to go with the church calendar. Here is a segment of one of my favorite ones:

"Lord our God, you are great, high, and holy over us and over all people. And indeed, you are so great that you have not forgotten us, have not left us alone, and despite all that might testify against us, you have not rejected us. Now, in your dear Son, Jesus Christ, our Lord, you have given us nothing less than yourself and all that is yours. We thank you that, as long as we live and in eternity, we may be your guests at the table of your grace.
We now spread before you everything that troubles us: our mistakes and attempts to overreach, our sorrows, cares, rebellion, and bitterness-our whole hearts and lives that you know better than we do. We place all of this into the trustworthy hands that in our Savior you have stretched out toward us. Take us as we are, hold up the weak among us, and make the poor among us rich from your fullness!
And so, let your friendliness shine over us..."

The Way of the Heart: This was required reading for staff this year in my region, and it was great! Nouwen is a great writer and I love how he thinks about leadership in Christ. In the book he quotes Theophan the Recluse: "To pray is to descend with the mind into the heart and there to stand before the face of the Lord, ever-present, all-seeing, within you." (73) This is the shortest book in the bunch, and if you are looking to be challenged not only in the way you pray but also in how you practice (or don't practice) silence and solitude then you should read this little book. His thoughts on prayer in this book actually convinced me to start practicing more simplistic praying.

Red Moon Rising: This was the most adventurous book I've read about prayer. It is a "history" of the 24/7 prayer moment that began in England. I was encouraged to read it at Urbana by a wise woman. I think anyone would get excited about intercessory prayer when reading this book. It inspired me for sure. I don't walk into prayer rooms the same way.

"Initially 24-7 was a lot of hard work. It wasn't easy persuading people to say they would come to the prayer room: prayer didn't really seem to be top of anyone's agenda! But when the week started, it just ...flowed--people came and people came back! Many people called in for an hour and ended up staying for three or four!...It wasn't until Thursday morning that I found myself in the prayer room alone. I was on my knees and just looked over at our wall covered in the names of family and friends--and God broke my heart. These weren't just random people, but people who were deeply loved, and someone was desperate for them to know Jesus." Lucy-Dublin (95)

Spiritual Disciplines Handbook: If you are a human you need to own this book. It is in my prayer library because it has a whole section of prayer disciplines, but it could be in any "library" that as to do with me getting closer to being like Christ. It is an amazing resource and I use it all the time! It has 14 different kinds of prayer: including Breath prayer, Centering prayer, Prayer walking, and fasting.

"Prayer is sustained less by duty than by a desire to connect and grow in intimacy and communion with the holy Three. But prayer also moves us up and out into our world" (203)

I also made a handout that went along with the talk on prayer I gave at Greek Conference. It breaks down 4 different ways to pray, and has some quotes on prayer that challenge me. Click here to look at it or print it off.

Books on my waiting to read list--History Makers-by Dutch Sheets and William Ford
Prayer-by Karl Barth

What are some books you love that deal with the topic of prayer? Expand my list!

A Praying Library

2011-03-04T17:00:00.002-05:00

I've been writing about prayer over the past few weeks. Here are some books that have been shaping my thoughts and habits in prayer.

Too Busy Not to Pray: This was the first book I ever read on prayer. I've read it a few times since then, and if you are just starting out on your journey into wanting to pray, or wanting to want to pray (smile) you should start here. Some of the chapters include: Heart-building Habits, Prayer Busters, The Hurt of Unanswered Prayer, The Importance of Listening.

"From birth we have been learning the rules of self-reliance as we strain and struggle to achieve self-sufficiency. Prayer flies in the face of those deep-seated values. It is an assault on human autonomy, an indictment of independent living. To people in the fast lane, determined to make it on their own, prayer is an embarrassing interruption." (9)

Can I get an OUCH!

Praying the Scriptures: Another IVP gem. This book walks you through different ways to use the scriptures in your prayer time, and it gives you several handy dandy appendix's in the back to point you to some good scripture to start your praying. The opening quote from the book is, "One of the greatest attractions of praying the Scriptures is that it is not boring."(17) To be quite frank I agree with him wholeheartedly! This book helped me go from prayer being something I knew I should do to something I wanted to do. It infused my time in prayer with depth and enjoyment.

Using God's word when I'm praying also helps jump start my conversation with God. It keeps me grounded and focused on God's heart for me and for what I'm praying about. I love praying out of the psalms (which the book offers a whole chapter on) and I spend a lot of time praying in Colossians 1.

The Papa Prayer: I read this book of Larry Crabb's just this year and it changed the way I pray considerably. The main point of the book is that the church needs to stop seeing prayer as a means to get God's stuff, and start seeing it as mainly a means to relationship with God. He also calls for us to shift our prayer energies away from intercession (asking for things) to relationship (getting to know God better). He uses a model of prayer using the word Papa as an acronym. P: Present yourself to God w/out pretense. A: Attend to how you are thinking of God. P: Purge yourself of anything blocking your relationship with God. A:Approach God as the "first thing" in your life.

“The true center of prayer, its real point, is relating to God. When we restore relational prayer to its rightful place, then petitionary prayer is restored to its rightful and powerful place, as an expression of our love for God, not as the chance to get whatever we want for ourselves.
But we don’t naturally think of prayer as an opportunity to relate with God. ...[And] if we keep on believing that prayer is more about getting things than getting God, not only will we eventually get thoroughly confused when prayer doesn’t ‘work,’ but talking to God will at some point feel boring as well.” (37)

The Voice of Jesus: I just started this book. Smith focuses on the art of discernment in prayer. (Is there anything that man can't write about!) So far I really like it, and I'm excited about the thoughts the book is drawing out of my mind about prayer and how I listen to the inner witness of the Spirit.

"The genius of the Christian life is the resolve, willingness and capacity to respond personally and intentionally to the prompting of the Spirit...As communities of faith,...we urgently need to develop our capacity to listen together to the witness of the Spirit" (16-17)

The Folly of Prayer

2011-03-03T10:58:00.001-05:00

We here in the Simmons' home have had the flu. Hence the reason I've not posted the final reason we should pray (as seen in 2 Chronicles 7)

I talked about the #1 reason we don't pray: We don't need to.
I wrote about the first reason we should pray: because prayer allows us to know God and ourselves
And the second reason we should pray: prayer is a unique privilege & God promises to attend our prayers.

But His attention is not all He promises. Look at 2 Chronicles 7:12-16:

“I have heard your prayer and have chosen this place [the temple the people had just built] for myself as a temple for sacrifices. When I shut up the heavens so that there is no rain, or command locusts to devour the land or send a plague among my people, if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land. Now my eyes will be open and my ears attentive to the prayers offered in this place. I have chosen and consecrated this temple so that my Name may be there forever. My eyes and my heart will always be there.

He doesn't just promise to hear our prayers, but he promises to do something about them, to do something with them.

"If my people pray...I will hear..., I will forgive..., I will heal."

We should pray because prayer changes the world.

And when we don't pray we are acting like idiots.

This week good friends had a crisis and needed prayer, so they called. I wanted to jump in the car, and head to their house (hours away) because I felt like I needed to be present, but with the flu and little ones about me, going was impossible. So I headed back to my little uncomfortable chair to sit and pray. Going back to my room and sitting felt pointless and weak. I felt like I was letting my friends down by not going to them, taking care of their practical needs, distracting them with my funniness.

But then God met me.

He was present with them. He was taking care of their needs. He was comforting them AND He was attentive to my prayers on their behalf. He was taking my prayers and using them to bless my friends. My prayers were as powerful as my presence. More powerful in some ways, because God called me to pray for them, not to be with them.

Here are some challenging thoughts on prayer from John Piper:

Friends! God will win your communities, your neighborhoods, your campuses, your workplace. Scripture tells us that in the end all knees will bow, all tongues confess that Christ is Lord of all. And as He is winning He is willing to take your prayers and incorporate them into what He is doing.

He will heal your families, your friends and your own heart. And as He's healing, He is willing to use your prayers to be a part of that restorative work.

God is changing the world. He is breaking down strongholds and rescuing people from every nation. And He is willing to take our prayers, our hopes, our dreams and fold them into that change.

We can't junk up the order. We can't jump into prayer just to get Him do what we want. That is not the purpose of prayer! We pray so that we can know God. So we can grow closer to Him. As we are praying, as we are pressing in closer and closer to the heart of the Living God we will start to ask for things that He wants, and we can confidently ask Him for what our hearts long for. We can passionately ask Him to forgive our sins (both individual and corporate) and we can, with as much detail as our imaginations can afford us, ask Him to heal our land.

As I ponder this reality of prayer I have to admit that I wholeheartedly agree with Piper, that we are fools if we don't take God up on His offer to pray.

So pray!

Now That I've Got Your Attention

2011-02-24T20:13:00.003-05:00

Audrey is my loudest kid. She goes all the way up to 11!

A friend recently told me that as the youngest of 5, she was a loud kid. With all the noise in the house, she had to be. Her intense volume was the only way to get her parents to hear her, to make her needs known.

Her story made me think about my littlest Simmons, and her intensely perceptible little voice. It also made me strongly consider having more kids (could they be louder than Audrey!?!) and it drew me to consider another reason why we should pray.

Let's look at 2 Chronicles 7:12-16

“I have heard your prayer and have chosen this place [the temple the people had just built] for myself as a temple for sacrifices. When I shut up the heavens so that there is no rain, or command locusts to devour the land or send a plague among my people, if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land. Now my eyes will be open and my ears attentive to the prayers offered in this place. I have chosen and consecrated this temple so that my Name may be there forever. My eyes and my heart will always be there.

The #2 reason we should pray: Prayer is a unique privilege.

Let's face it. Everybody prays. At some point in every person's life, everyone flings at least one request to the heavens.

The unique thing about Christian prayer is that there is a God up there who is catching what is flung. He promises to hear the prayers that are prayed in the temple. And that means something for us because the New Testament tells us that if we are in a relationship with Christ and have the Spirit of God dwelling inside of us, then we are the new Temple of God (1 Cor 3:16-17).

So we should pray because God is paying attention!

We normally only think about God's attention when we are thinking about behavior management. Don't go to that party...God is watching. Don't think that thought or say that thing about that girl...God's right beside you. He's making that list, checking it twice. Gonna find out who's naughty...But His attention of us is actually a much bigger and more beautiful idea. The Living, all powerful God is attending you. His eyes and His heart are close to you. He is paying attention.

Think about the last time you were really hurt, broken by someone else's selfishness. God was paying attention. His eyes and His heart were close to you.

What about the last time you felt real joy, success. God saw you. His eyes and His heart were close to you. The last time you failed, the last time you felt completely out of your depth, the last time you were bored with life, the last time you laughed so hard you were crying-God was with you. His heart was close to you.

Your God is paying attention to you. He is for you and He cares what happens. You don't have to be the loudest talker, the most pious, or the most rebellious to get His attention. He offers it to us because He loves us and because that is just how good and big He is.

This makes me want to pray. To know that my God who is bringing the sun and putting it to bed, who is creative enough to imagine a giraffe and an oak tree, who is running the mysteries of the universe-that He takes the time to pay attention to me, when I hurt, when I stress, when I laugh. His attention feels good.

And it makes me want to return the favor.

Prayer Gets You God. Not His Stuff.

2011-02-23T20:15:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I wrote about how 2 Chronicles 7:12-16 revealed the number one reason why we humans don't pray. It also tells us some reasons why we should.

Why we SHOULD pray: Reason #1--Prayer allows us to know God, and in return allows God to introduce us to ourselves.

Look at the passage:

“When I shut up the heavens so that there is no rain, or command locusts to devour the land or send a plague among my people, if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land.

It surprised me that God doesn't say, "If they will pray and ask me for rain, or health, or harvest, then I will answer." NO! He says that if they will "pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then..."

Prayer is a means to a relationship.

The goal of prayer is not getting God to answer our requests. The main goal of prayer is getting to know God, seeking His face, attending to what He is like. When we do that, we also begin to see ourselves for who we really are and hopefully, we turn away from our broken selves and move toward God.

When college students start a relationship, there is one key indicator that communicates to them the other person considers the relationship serious...a relationship status update on Facebook. We've all seen our friends go from "single" to "in a relationship", and sometimes we even get the name of their new significant other so we can click around and find vital info about them. But imagine a relationship where someone was willing to claim you facebook, where they spent time with you in big groups (say, like at church), but anytime you tried to get them alone so you could get to know them better, they were suddenly busy. Anytime you made a point to hang out with them one-on-one, they either ignored you or avoided you.

The relationship would not be a good one.

Alot of us have this kind of relationship with God. We'll claim Him on Facebook. I've been in a relationship with God since I started my Facebook account. We'll go to Bible studies, Sunday Schools and Seminary to learn more about Him. We'll enjoy Him at church and in musical worship. But when it comes to spending good quality one-on-one time with Him; when it comes to actually praying-we are simply too busy, too apathetic, or too lazy. Knowing Him personally isn't that important to us.

Prayer facilitates a strong connected relationship with God. It is where we get to know Him. It is where we allow Him to know us (He already does know us fully-even better than we know ourselves, but something good happens in our hearts when we tell Him who we are and how we feel). It is where we grow close to Him and His heart. Prayer is where our hearts (His and mine) meet.

That is why we should pray. Not to get His stuff, or His answers, or His approval. But to get Him.

We should pray because we were created to be in a dynamic relationship with the Living God, which is more than just a stagnant status on our Facebook page or another meeting in our week.

The #1 Reason You Don't Pray.

2011-02-22T21:00:00.001-05:00

When I was preparing my talk on prayer for Greek Conference, I asked Gareth why He prayed.
"I like to pray Mommy. That is why I pray." This actually surprised me. Gareth is shy when asked to pray, so I assumed he didn't like doing it. I guess I was wrong.

His response did make me think about my own affection for prayer. I like to pray. I enjoy chatting with my Heavenly Father. I enjoy the feeling of accomplishment and calm that most often floods within me when I finish time in prayer.

So why don't I pray more? If I like it, I should do it often. I like to watch TV. I watch TV most days. I don't pray most days.

2 Chronicles(a book of history in the Old Testament) tells me why I don't pray, and why I should. In chapter 7 we read about when Solomon and the Hebrew people are dedicating the temple to God. God is so pleased with His new dwelling place that He sweeps through the temple. When the people see His glory filling up their new house of worship, they go crazy and begin to worship the Living God for many days. They sacrifice over 140,000 livestock (cows, sheep and goats, among other things) and pull out instruments and sing songs to the Lord. At the end of the all this partying, Solomon sends everyone home, "joyful and glad in heart for the good things the LORD had done...for his people Israel."(vs 10)

Then God comes to Solomon in the night and tells him this about prayer. (vs 12-16)

“I have heard your prayer and have chosen this place [the temple the people had just built] for myself as a temple for sacrifices. When I shut up the heavens so that there is no rain, or command locusts to devour the land or send a plague among my people, if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land. Now my eyes will be open and my ears attentive to the prayers offered in this place. I have chosen and consecrated this temple so that my Name may be there forever. My eyes and my heart will always be there.

Did you catch it? THE REASON PEOPLE DON'T PRAY! It's in there.

We don't pray because we don't need to. We can manage our lives all on our own. We don't need God to show up and help out.

Look at the passage, "IF my people will humble themselves..." Prayer is a statement of humility.
When we pray we are making a statement, and even if we don't use these words, the act of prayer states: "God, I can not do this on my own. I am limited. I need you. You are limitless. Please come and help"
"God, I can not handle this meeting, this relationship, this load of laundry, this budget, this parenting choice on my own. I am too small and weak. I need you to come through here. I need your input, direction, and power. Without it I'm lost."

When we pray we humbly admit that we need God.

Our lack of prayer makes an equally loud statement: "I got this God. Thanks for saving me from Hell, but I can handle the rest of my life on my own. I'm competent, successful. Thanks but no thanks."

And most of us, if we are honest with ourselves, live lives like that. "I can prep this talk on my own." "I can discipline this child on my own." "I can clean this house, run this practice, care for my spouse, teach these kids on my own. I've got things today, God. Maybe something will come up tomorrow that You can help out with."

When we don't pray we arrogantly smirk that we can manage on our own, without the Living God intervening into all parts of our day.

We are rebelliously self-sufficient.

To honestly live a life of prayer, I need to understand the sinful Independence of my heart. That left to myself I think I am big enough to need only a little bit of God. But true life, true abundance and a true commitment to prayer is rooted in the idea that I am small, and in so many ways (more than I can imagine, in all ways) I need God. I NEED HIM. And when I get that truth. I will pray.

One day I hope to rejoice in Gareth answering my question of why he prays in this way:

"I have to pray, Mom. Without it I'm lost. That is why I pray."

Why Cecilia Should Never Have Any Real Power.

2011-02-21T08:39:00.001-05:00

This week Cecilia had to complete the tried and true homework assignment, "If I were president of the United States I would..." Here is what she wrote.

"If I were the president of the United States I would pray to God. I would love making laws. I would make a law that everyone had to pray to God."

I was a bit dumbfounded by her particular bent in lawmaking zeal. I tried to talk her out of it. I tried to get her to think about ponies for every child in the land, but she would not be moved. Since her teachers know we profess Christ, I was tempted to send in a post-it note on the paper declaring that the contents of Cecilia's homework were the views of her alone and did not reflect the viewpoints of the Simmons family. Or at the very least one that stated I hope she didn't ever get any real power.

This weekend I had the honor to talk with InterVarsity Greek students about prayer. Mainly about what it is, why we don't pray and why we should. While prepping the talk I was reminded of the privledge of prayer. That God, all-powerful and true, gives me a way to connect with Him, share my heart and learn His heart. All I have to do is pray.

There are bad reasons why we pray. The worst of which may be because you feel like God, who you see more as a task master than a loving Father, requires it of you. You feel the burden of the law and feel forced to pray, but there are better reasons to pray-more biblical and more life-giving. God wields His power in a much healthier way than Cecilia would. Which I'll write about this week.

So as we think about this together, I would love to hear your thoughts...

Why should people pray?

Prayer Confessions

2011-02-08T11:54:00.000-05:00

So some of you are wondering how the early morning prayer is going.

Well, I won't say it is going much at all. Without the discipline of blogging I choose most mornings to stay in bed. I think since my last morning blogging, I have gotten up to pray 3 times. I'm still striving to. I'm still setting my alarm (most mornings). But I normally snooze and roll over.

But that is not what I have to confess.

That might be what I should be confessing to the Lord today, but it's not.

I am confessing that for months, maybe years I've used my kids as an excuse not to pray.

I did it in some of my posts. "There is no point to get up early, the kids will just get up with me and distract me...blah blah blah." Sometimes that is not untrue, but what was really at the root of my not wanting to get up early to pray, was that I DIDN'T WANT TO GET UP EARLY TO PRAY. End of story.

I like staying in the bed more than I like praying. I like the quiet I get to myself in the morning more than I like giving that time to God. I like to stay warm and cozy under the covers more than I like sitting in that little cold uncomfortable chair. And I have come to learn, that I like blaming my kid's early morning habits more than I like taking responsibility for my own lack of desire and discipline to pray.

BUT! I don't like this about me, and I don't want to be this way anymore.

I feel the call to pray, to connect with my Papa at other points of my day as well, and I let them be my excuse then too. Instead of pressing into Him, I just let them distract me and draw me away. I tell myself, "How can I pray in this? How can I meet you in this noise?" But honestly, in my heart, what I normally mean is, "I don't have the energy for you today God. I don't have the desire to put forth the effort."

There is a reason that prayer is called a discipline. And I need alot of practice. Alot of training. Alot of support. And obviously, a lot of confession.

What are some reasons you don't pray?

Who's the Jerk Here?

2011-02-03T15:04:00.000-05:00

God is good. His is the BEST good. He is good in a way that we can't aspire to.

But when I read Deuteronomy 28 I begin to wonder.

It starts with fourteen verses on how blessed we are when we stay close to Him, when we follow His law. Fourteen wonderful verses-cozy and comfortable. Verses I want to dwell in, unpack, and talk about in Small Group-embroider them on pillows and doodle them in my journal.

But then verse 15 hits and I find myself speeding up. The next 50 verses discuss how terrible life becomes when you move away from God. FIFTY verses on how wrong things will go when I ignore God's instructions and His call to intimacy.

As I continue in the chapter I move from reading fast to scanning and by the end, I'll be honest-I just skip whole chunks of the passage. As I "finish," I find my heart annoyed with the list, uneasy and tense. I am wondering why a good God would harp on curse after curse after curse? OK! I get it! It's BAD! And why not this much detail in the blessing section?

At first I have no answers to these bratty questions, no ideas about why God communicated with His people (and us) in this way, but luckily I was studying this passage with my friend John Hanna.

We are told more about the curses because we are more prone to wandering than we are to faithfulness. He gives us a full look at the consequences of our rebellion because in His goodness He knows and communicates who we truly are and what we are bent toward. And we are really objects of horror bent toward violence and destruction. We are not a people who choose goodness and blessing and closeness with our God. We are a people who flee His presence, His heart, His goodness.

Left to ourselves we move toward all the curses listed in Deuteronomy.

Left to myself I am cursed, and I curse those I try to love.

But luckily God didn't leave me to myself. He came and He rescued me.

If You Want More Photos

2011-02-02T09:20:00.000-05:00

I am terrible about posting photos on this blog. So I've decided to start a blog just for pictures.

Click here to check it out!

You can also find a link over to the left.

My goal is to post a new photo everyday, and only 1-3 photos a post.

So for those who want to see the kids more. This new blog is for you. I'll still be posting on this blog with as much regularity as you have come to expect-smile.

The 1st image is in honor of Groundhog's Day. I would love to see spring come early, but I've really enjoyed this winter and all it's snow.

Joy-you should make this new blog dad's homepage. I mean he is the main one who wants more pictures.

Pondering The Curse of Parenting.

2011-01-29T10:14:00.006-05:00

This morning we were listening to music while eating our weekly pancake breakfast. My favorite Avett Brother's song came on and Joshua and Cecilia started dancing. For some reason Cecilia said, "I can't wait until I grow up and have kids." I smiled and automatically answered, "Cecilia you are going to be a good mom" but then I paused and clarified, "Well...if you follow God you'll be a great mom! If you don't you'll just consume your kids." Cecilia barely heard me as she concentrated on her wild twirling, Joshua looked at me (as he does often) with a smile and shake of his head.

Let me back up to Monday.

On Monday I spent some time in Duet. 28, looking at blessings and curses. Moses is telling the people of Israel that if they stay close to God, following His instruction, then they will be blessed. If they wander from God & disobey His commands, they will be cursed. The blessings are great! The curses are beyond your imagination HORRIBLE! Here's a look at one of the curses...

The most gentle and sensitive woman among you—so sensitive and gentle that she would not venture to touch the ground with the sole of her foot—will begrudge the husband she loves and her own son or daughter the afterbirth from her womb and the children she bears. For in her dire need she intends to eat them secretly because of the suffering your enemy will inflict on you during the siege of your cities. (vs 56-57)

WHAT!

And if you dudes are thinking that you are off the hook...I just didn't include your part. Look at verses 54-55.

Needless to say this section kicked me in the face and punched me in the gut. The whole cursing section (vs. 15-68) was too much for my gentle and sensitive sensibilities. And I found myself annoyed, upset and nauseous.

Two ponderings swam to the service of my conflicted thoughts.

A good God warns me that I have the capacity for great horrors.
Left to myself, to my own parenting, I will consume my kids. Maybe not by eating them (hopefully not), but consume them none the less. And it is only through the miraculous work of Christ in my life that these precious little ones are safe from their frightful mom.

I'll unpack some of this in the next few posts, in an effort to keep my posts from being ridiculously too long.

And for those of you who are wondering-my favorite Avett Brother's Song is Swept Away (the Sentimental version) which they sing with their sister, Bonnie. Here is a live sampling. If you want to listen to the recorded version it is on their "Mignonette" Album. If you don't like/listen to the Avett's then I would encourage you to step out of your musical cursing and into the musical blessing that is being an Avett Brothers fan. Thanks Brooke for teaching me to live in light. Smile.

Take Seven: Is 7 the Number of Completion?

2011-01-27T16:55:00.005-05:00

The last day.

Or at least the last day of my commitment. The question is will I keep it tomorrow, next week and through out 2011.

This morning I set the alarm again for 6. It went off, I woke up. I turned it off and had a minute of indecisiveness. The moment when the desire to snooze in my nice warm bed was about to win over the desire to get up and meet with God, Audrey needed to go to the potty.

What alternative did I have. I took Audrey to the potty, helped her find her tooter (what we call a pacifier), tucked her into bed with a little prayer (at her request) and headed for my little uncomfortable chair. Thank you Audrey!

My time this morning was good. I was able to focus for the most part, and apart from Gareth venturing in to snuggle with me in my little chair, the kids let me have time to my prayers. During my breathing and proclaiming Christ's name, I did feel the Spirit draw to my mind to one particular family, and so I spent my time saying Jesus for them, for their kids and for the hard things they are walking through.

I'm a little sad that my last day wasn't funny or dramatic in some way, but I guess that is to be expected. The more this practicing becomes a habit that leads to a discipline, the less crazy will show up, and the more I'll use the word "good" to describe my quiet prayer time. The more I regularly get up and get in my little chair, the more the kids will understand, "Oh, Mom's praying, let's wait." or maybe even, "Oh I can sense in my soul that one of my adults are awake, but it is probably mom, and she is just sitting in that uncomfortable chair. No fun is being missed out on." And then they will roll over and go back to sleep. (one can dream).

I still don't know if I'm sold about this simple praying. Spending a tiny chunk of everyday sitting quietly, saying Jesus. Maybe I'll spend time with God today and post on what I've learned this week. Maybe I won't (smile).

Thanks for reading.

Take Six: Bread and Floods

2011-01-26T11:55:00.008-05:00

This morning I was on my own. Josh was out of town last night for a conference.

BOO!

I learned my lesson from yesterday, and set the alarm. I thought 6 would be a good. For a small window of undisturbed time, I would have to silently, in the shroud of darkness slide out of my bed and tip-toe to my little uncomfortable chair. But even then I didn't have much hope of the kids sleeping through my "quiet prayer" time.

And I was right. After I had been praying 5-7 minutes. I heard the bathroom door creep open and little feet head into the bathroom. I thought, "Well that is that. I'll have to finish this prayer as I'm dealing with them or postpone it and get back to it later in the day." But then, the craziest thing happened. All of them got up, but none of them needed me. Each went to the bathroom on their own. Turn the lights on by themselves. And played quietly together while I spent time breathing and saying the name of my wonderful LORD. He provided for me this morning. He met a big need. He got me up, and then He gave me the space to meet Him.

Who knew He could actually make space happen?

During my praying something new came up as well. As I was praying...Breathe in, Jesus. Breathe out, Jesus. I began to experience the prayer in a new way. When I would breathe in and say Jesus, I would imagine taking the word into my heart and body as I took the breathe in. I thought about how the breathe came into my being and nourished me, and how the name of Christ came in and nourished me as well. Almost like delicious bread or a needed embrace, I imaged the name of Jesus coming my body and soul and healing me.

When I would exhale, I starting thinking about how the name of Jesus goes out into the world and renews it. As I breathed out and said Jesus, I imagined His name washing over Hickory and our nation, filling in the hurt and broken spaces where sin has ravaged lives. I thought about my home and my family, and breathed out His name for them. I thought about campuses and InterVarsity staff I love and breathed out for them. I thought about others who need Christ to embrace them, who need healing and grace and breathed out for them. I ended my time thinking about myself, and I breathed out the name of Jesus for me.

It was a good morning. When time came around for me to finished, I found myself sad to be done.

It was a great morning.

Take Five: Linny, Tuck, and Ming-Ming too!

2011-01-25T20:52:00.007-05:00

Well, I was waiting for it. I knew it would come. I did not pray this morning. I missed it.

I got in bed late and I got up late. I did not set the alarm. I ate yummy banana pancakes made by my husband. I had a great morning (and the late night before) catching up with my sweet friend Joe. I worked a puzzle with the kids. I took Cecilia to school, and made it to a meeting. Sigh. I missed time in quiet prayer.

I got home from my meetings around 2:30. I still wanted to meet with God in prayer, but I also wanted to snuggle with Audrey and Gareth. Surely I don't have to choose. How can I merge the two. Then a brilliant idea washes over me.

Wonder Pets!

I'll turn on Wonder Pets (for those of you without little ones it is a kid show on Nickelodeon) and while they watch that and snuggle with me, I'll practice my quiet prayer. GENIUS!

So how did it go you're wondering?

I won't say it was a prayer FAIL, but I won't say it worked either.

Breathe in, Jesus. Breathe out, Jesus. And quickly, I'm distracted by Ming-Ming's desperate need to succeed on her own, without the help of her team mates, Linny and Tuck. Listening to the inner turmoil of her musical soul, I realize that I am not going to be connecting with God. I'm too invested in the drama unfolding before me between a little duckling, hamster and turtle.

Lesson learned from today. While some distractions (like yesterday) can bring me closer to God. Most distractions are just that-DISTRACTING, and that is why I need a little uncomfortable chair to meet with God.

"You & I have need of the strongest spell that can be found to wake us from the evil enchantment of worldliness"-CSLewis. Thanks for the wise words Jack. Maybe tomorrow I'll heed your advice.

Take Four: Fears Realized

2011-01-24T22:12:00.008-05:00

Monday: 6:30 AM

This morning went well. I got up early and no one was awake. I wanted to try and pray before the little ones and Joshua were up to see how it would go. Yesterday I realized that I was approaching this time of prayer from a fairly self-focused posture. Almost with an attitude of, "It's my RIGHT to pray undisturbed." I think throughout yesterday God drew out this gunky stance and called me to confess it and repent.

The whole reason I'm practicing this prayer to begin with, is to know God more fully in my home life. To see Him plainly in the mommy, wife, and homemaker moments. So the fact that I was expecting to have 20 minutes to myself, was somewhat missing the point. Don't get me wrong. It is good for Joshua to make space for me to meet the Lord, and he does. But my heart was in the wrong place. I was coming to the 20 minutes at no real cost to myself and only at a cost to him and my kids. I was starting my time in prayer after they all got up. I was annoyed when they would be loud in the house or when they would distract me. I was not practicing the discipline well. I was getting the outward details right, but I was getting the inward pursuit all wrong.

So I tried something new. I got up first. I tried to take the cost onto myself, and my worst fear was realized. I settled into my chair. I started praying. Breathe in, Jesus. Breathe out, Jesus. About 5 minutes of quiet went by. I was moving into a rhythm, when Audrey came to our door and started crying.

My first thoughts were, "Of course she is up! I can't get up early enough to get time alone...Give it 20 seconds and Joshua will get up and take care of this, and I can go on with my holy pursuit of praying the name of my Savior." But luckily, God broke through that blasphemous thought with a thought of His own, "OR, you could get up and pray my name while you serve your daughter and your husband." ouch!

"Serving them is not an inconvenience, Lee. It's an opportunity."

So, I got up and moved toward Audrey with a gentler heart. Breathe in, Jesus. Breathe out, Jesus. I took her by the hand and humbly led her back to bed. Breathe in, Jesus. Breathe out, Jesus. I helped her find her pacifier and tucked her into her warm covers. Breathe in, Jesus. Breathe out, Jesus. And on my way out of the room, back to my little cold uncomfortable chair, I got an invitation. I turned around and knelt by her bed and held her hand. Breathe in, Jesus. Breathe out, Jesus. Breathe in, Jesus. Breathe out Jesus. And I met Him.

Audrey wasn't the interruption that I feared. She was not a distraction. Her need of me did not derail intimacy with my LORD this morning. It was the catalyst that God used to draw me right into His presence, kneeling by her bed.

Thanks be to God!

Take Three: A Wondering Robot

2011-01-23T20:13:00.006-05:00

Day Three of my Seven day commitment, and it is Sunday. From the full place I ended my prayer yesterday, I am excited to try this quiet praying again.

6:30-I wake up. I don't know if you have ever woken up and felt or even known that God woke you up for a purpose, but this was one of those times. It was an invitation for me to join Him. An invitation to connect with Him in this quiet place of prayer. An invitation that I ignored.

I looked at the clock and thought, "God, this breathe prayer thing will be just as awesome in about an hour." And I rolled over and went back to sleep.

When I did get up about 30 minutes later the kids were in the bath and Joshua was getting them clean for church. I found them all clothes, grabbed my journal and a Diet Coke, and went back into my room.

Into my "uncomfortable" chair, a few deep breathes to relax and find the rhythm. Breathe in, Jesus. Breathe out, Jesus. Breathe in, Jesus. Breathe out, Jesus. And so it went for about 20 minutes. No funny stories this morning. No real insights either, except that it felt stale and mechanic. This is the first time where I've practiced this type of prayer that it felt like a formula. Breathe in, [WORD/PHRASE]. Breathe out, [WORD/PHRASE].

You would expect that I would be feeling discouraged from my time, but I don't. Even in the moments of my praying like a robot, I felt my heart (or maybe the Spirit) comfort me. "Don't worry Lee. This is part of it. The practice, the discipline, the skill learning. This will lead to better things. Press on with hope, and keep up the breathing."

Two "I wonders"

1. I wonder what would have happened if I had gotten up when I was awoken the first time? I wonder if my time would have been different it I had not treated God's gracious invitation like a suggestion that I could tweek to my own schedule? Sigh, but as C.S. Lewis reminds us in "The Voyage of the 'Dawn Treader,'" "We are never told what might have been." I'm sorry God!

2. On this third day of prayer I noticed that I've only started praying after the kids are up, which puts some (or all) of the burden of my taking 20 minutes to pray onto Joshua. He doesn't mind. He is great. But I am starting to wonder if I am going about this wrong? If I need to make more of an effort to try and beat the kids up, or carve out another part of the day where it would not fall solely on him to manage the little ones while I pray? Maybe this is the best way, but maybe there is a better one, and I need to spend some creative time considering it. Any ideas out there? Things you have tried?

Take Two: Setting the Alarm

2011-01-22T16:21:00.005-05:00

Saturday AM-6:40. "Quiet Prayer" take two.

I didn't set my alarm to get up to pray-the little ones are up between 6:30-6:40 every day, and they didn't let me down this morning. At 6:40 there was a LOUD slamming of Gareth's door 3 times in a row followed by Audrey's belly laugh, and Joshua's admonishments.

Ok! I'm "ready" to spend another 20 minutes praying the name of Christ over and over. Yesterday I prayed in my bed, and the lesson I learned from that was my bed is warm and cozy! So I decide to pray from under the covers again. About the moment I start to "breathe", Gareth and Audrey realize that I'm awake. How did they notice from the other room you ask? Who knows! They have a preternatural understanding of when adults have awoken from their nightly slumber. They crashed into the room & joined me on the bed. With both of them there, focusing on anything other than them is impossible. So I accept a temporary defeat and snuggle for a few moments.

Soon the aroma of Joshua's fabulous pancakes come stealing into the room, and just as quick as they cozy-ed up to me they head into the kitchen to cozy up to him for their breakfast. I get up and think that a few things will help me with focus on my quiet prayer. Hot shower, teeth brushed, Cecilia checked on (she had to get ready for a make-up day at school), and back in my room.

I have a great little chair that my mother-in-law gave me. It sits by a window in our room. It is the right amount of uncomfortable so I sit down and settle in. Deep breath and relax. Remember Lee, don't force it. That is how you almost passed out yesterday. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out naturally. Breathe in, Jesus. Breathe out, Jesus. Breathe in, Jesus. Breathe out, Jesus. The kids are quiet, and I settle into the rhythm.

The thing that struck me this morning was my tone. When I started out I was saying Jesus in my mind as a statement. A bland well known statement of truth (don't judge me). But as I continued through the 20 minutes, the way my mind and heart called out Christ's name changed. During some parts of the prayer I was saying Jesus like it was a plea, and other times like it was a question. A few times I found that I was saying a different word and I had not realized that I had switched. I made a note of the word in my journal and got back to the rhythm. And at least once there was some hostility, or maybe annoyance is a better word, behind the way I said His name. (eek)

Toward the end of the time I found that I was saying Jesus with a fullness that I had not started the prayer with. I could feel my heart delighting in His name. I could feel a change. It was faint, not complete, but is was good. I said His name with this full heart maybe 5 times when the alarm clock went off. BLAST!

I set the alarm so I would not be checking the clock every few minutes. Sigh. I did not think it would shut down such a sweet moment. But, it was good to get to where I did. It made me want to get back to it tomorrow or even later that day. I feel like I may have slightly tasted what it was like to have my heart lead my head in prayer. And I want more!

So tomorrow I won't set the alarm.

Warning: Prayer Can Cause Hyperventilation

2011-01-21T15:27:00.004-05:00

I am reading a great book (that I'll talk more about in a later post), "Finding God at Home." The author encourages believers to start practicing "quiet prayer" everyday. This type of prayer is also called "breath prayer" and has been around for centuries. It is a form of prayer that you link to your breathing. So when you breath in, you pray a word or phrase and when you breath out, you pray another word or phrase. Over and over with the rhythm of your breathing.

Since I've been trying to grow in prayer and I think this dude is a GENIUS! I have committed to try and practice this way of prayer for a week, 7 days, and then think about a further commitment.

Here is my experience from day one:

Instruction from the book (in italics):"My first suggestion for [practicing the spirituality of the family] is with a prayer of quiet. For this, take a few minutes alone in a room where you will not be disturbed... hmmm...I am not sure this exists in my home. I am never alone, never undisturbed. Maybe under my bed, or in my closet. I ponder where I could go as I continue to read.

"The morning is the best, before beginning work..." hmmm, the AM around our house seems like the most disturbed part of our day. Everyone running around getting dressed, going to the potty, trying to play, brushing their hair, can't find their shoe. And I could try to get up before the little ones, but they can smell awakeness like sharks can smell blood in the water. The moment one adult foot hits the floor no matter what time it is, Gareth and Audrey are up and ready for the day to start. Any other suggestions?

"Other good times are at noon or in the early evening--or whenever you have a few moments to yourself..."Ok, so lunchtime or when we are doing homework/dinner prep...sigh...early morning it is. I'll just warn Josh that I'm going to try praying early in the AM and could he please keep the kids away for... how long does book suggest?...20 MINUTES! OK (sigh), for 20 minutes. Joshua is great in the AM. He can handle it!

"Take the phone of the hook..."No one is going to call at 6:40 in the morning so I'll skip this step.

"find a chair that is comfortable but not too comfortable"Would he consider the bed TOO comfortable? Ah well...the bed it is!

"close your eyes and take several slow, deep breaths to relax."Mmmmmm....relax....WAKE UP!

"Then slowly, without forcing it, begin to repeat a short prayer to yourself...For this prayer of quiet, the shorter the prayer, the better. A single word is ideal." I guess I'll go with Jesus. It is always the best answer, right? Jesus it is!

"Repeat your little prayer silently to yourself. Try repeating it each time you breathe in and again each time you breathe out.

Ok here we go. Breathe in, Jesus. Breathe out, Jesus. Breath in, Jesus. Breathe out, Jesus. Breath in, Jesus. (The door to our room opens) Breathe out, stay focused. (little steps come toward the bed) Breathe in, don't move. Breathe out, they will think I'm still asleep and will leave. (little breathing beside my bed, I can tell they are staring at me, I wonder which little breath it is, but I don't open my eyes) Breathe in, they are leaving. Breath out, what am I doing? OH YEAH! Breathe in, Jesus. Breath out. Jesus. Breathe in, Jesus. Breath out. (little steps again come into the room) Breathe in, Jesus. Breath out. (Little hands grab my arm and start to pull themselves up)

Breath in, OUCH! Breathe out, "Gareth, get the stool to get in mommy's bed, sweety." Breathe in, snuggle up to Gareth. Breathe out, Jesus. Breathe in. Breathe out, Jesus. Breathe in, Jesus. Breath out, doze off for a couple of minutes. Breathe in, WAKE UP. Breathe out, Jesus. Breathe in, Jesus. Breathe out. Breath in. Breathe out, Jesus. Breathe in, Jesus. Breathe out, "Mommy, when will all my teeth fall out?" Brea...WHAT?

The question is repeated. "Gareth are you asking when you will lose your front two teeth like Cecilia? You won't start losing your teeth until your 5 or 6." Breathe in, Gareth starts crying. Breathe out, Gareth decides to get up. Breathe in, breath out Jesus, breathe in. Jesus, Breathe out, Breathe out, Jesus...

And somewhere along the way I forgot how to breathe.

Long breathes in, a short one out. Someone yelling about having to go to school. Jesus. Trying to find a rhythm to my breath. Breath in, out, in, Jesus, out, Jesus...And then I am thinking so hard about how to breathe and when to say Jesus, and how much longer is 20 minutes that I can't seem to breathe at all. I quickly sit up in bed! Deep breath in. Deep breath out. Deep breath in. Deep breath out.

7:03

Jesus!

There is a reason that breath prayer takes years of practice. Hopefully I'll try again tomorrow.

Living Simply Isn't Just For Your Pocketbooks.

2011-01-21T14:26:00.005-05:00

I have been pursuing prayer over the last months. By pursuing I mean that I've been trying to actually do it, and that I've been reading about it. I also have quizzed and questioned some people in my life that are PRAY-ERS!

One of the main ideas that keeps coming up is simplify. In Henri Nouwen's book, "The Way of the Heart" he encourages,

"In the context of our verbose culture it is significant to hear the Desert Fathers discouraging us from using too many words...This is a very helpful suggestion for us, people who depend so much on verbal ability. The quiet repetition of a single word can help us descend with the mind into the heart." (pg 80)

This seems like a good idea in both my mommy life and in my ministry one.

During my mommy days, I lack the energy to find the words to pray. I also lack the quiet. With Gareth spitting at Audrey. Audrey screaming at me. Cecilia stressing over her homework, and me trying to clean or cook or fold or not scream back...My day isn't really conducive to the praying that I'm use to-the praying with all the words.

On ministry days there is a different block to meeting the Lord in prayer. My own agenda. I spend a bulk of my ministry prayers laying out a great plan for the Lord. My ego...I mean, my words get in the way of me consistently hearing from the Lord, connecting to where He is going and what He is doing. I miss Him because I'm saying too much.

Simplify. Simplify. Simplify.

Nouwen and other smart pray-ers encourage me to pray only 5 words, or 2 or even (horrors) ONE! Over and over and over-until my heart is beating in rhythm to my prayer. Over and over and over-until the loudest tears and the best ideas can't derail my understanding of God's presence or His love. Over and over and over-until my prayer becomes as natural and as essential as my breathing.

Until I understand that saying the name of Jesus over and over is a blessing to my soul and not a waste of my time.

Until I feel the embrace and joy that prayer offers.

Until I, like Paul, can understand the fullness of a life that is lived in ceaseless prayer.

Tomorrow on the blog a warning:this type of Prayer could make you hyperventilate.

The Rhythm of the Spirit: Truth

2010-11-17T13:12:00.002-05:00

This weekend I had the privileged of helping lead a conference for students in the Western Carolinas Area. It was a blast to hang out with students and watch them wrestle with what it looks like to live a life that is in step with the Spirit of God.

One of my favorite moments was on Saturday morning when we were studying John 16 together and began to talk about the Spirit's job to guide believers to all truth. This is a big need for the students I work with!

Most college students are in the middle of something confusing. They are trying to figure out what they want to do with their lives. They are trying to figure out who they are going to be in their relationships. Many of them are experiencing relationship turmoil with their parents as they move from kids to adults. They are experiencing "unlimited" freedom for the first time in their lives and are trying to balance that freedom with the values they think are important. On top of all this (and more), many students are trying to figure out who they are in relation to God. Who is He? What say should He have in their lives? How will they move toward Him in these years at college, and who does that mean they are?

College students need to be guided to truth!

As we talked through the Spirit's role in guiding them through this time of transition and chaos you could feel God moving. You could tell He was working in the hearts of students in the room. Winning them to this idea that He knew where they should go. He knew who they should be. He knew how they could be close to Him, and He would guide them to that truth if they would let Him. They spent time thinking and journaling about areas of their lives where they need some truth. And I spent time thinking about the same thing.

I confuse myself often. Acting in a way I hate. Getting angry with people I love. Saying something ugly about someone I adore. Choosing to watch "Eureka" or "Psych" over spending time connecting with God or my kids or Josh. In times of clarity, I look back over those choices and I'm confused why I would act in such a way. Why I would make choices so contrary to who I am in Christ.

I need the Spirit of God to guide me to truth. I need that guidance everyday--fresh every morning like God's mercy. Without it I am lost. Void of the Spirit I am one big messy ball of confusion! Praise be to my good and blessed God who made a way for me to know the Spirit and follow Him to all truth!

Be Full of Care!

2010-10-29T22:41:00.003-04:00

I am spending the weekend praying for students at a area conference in Pittsburgh, PA. The whole conference is about moving away from the things that entice us (sex, money, power) and moving toward Life in God. They are spending the weekend in Deuteronomy 6. Tonight the speaker just spent time in the first 4 verses of the chapter, so I spent most of my day in those verses.

These are the commands, decrees and laws the LORD you God directed me to teach you to observe in the land that you are crossing the Jordan to possess, so that you, your children and their children after them may fear the LORD you God as long as you live by keeping all His decrees and commands that I give you, and so that you may enjoy long life. Hear O Israel, and be careful to obey so that it may go well with you and that you may increase greatly in a land flowing with mild honey, just as the LORD, the God of your fathers, promised you. Hear, O Israel: the LORD our God the LORD is one.

Two ideas that stood out to me today as I was praying. They were "ENJOY" & "BE CAREFUL."

My sweet friend Cindy Holt use to tell her son Jackson as he was leaving the house, "Jackson be careful. That means full of care." I don't know why that has always stuck with me but it made an impact. I take the statement be careful so flippantly. I don't take it seriously.

When I started my prayer time I was feeling hesitant about spend time with the Lord and about coming on the weekend at all. I started reading in the passage and the end of the first sentence grabbed my attention. I normally focus on the adjective long when thinking about life, but today I saw the verb: ENJOY! I was meant to enjoy my life with God. To enjoy the beginning of a weekend spent with Him in prayer. So I asked God why I was not looking forward to time with Him, why was I was not enjoying our time together? After a few minutes I felt a leading to read the passage again.

Then it hit me in the face. "Be careful to obey so that it may go well with you..." These two ideas are linked. Enjoying God to the fullest comes when I am careful to obey Him. The main problem is that I am least careful when it comes to my relationship with God. Grace has won me, the work Christ accomplished in my life, my new creation status (see previous post) makes me abuse my relationship with God. It makes me reckless and lazy, prideful and entitled. It makes me apathetic. This is the stupidest part of myself.

I spent a good part of my week being reckless. It was full, busy, distracted. I didn't spend much time connecting to God. I didn't spend much time putting others before myself. I didn't spend much time being full of care to obey the God who loves me, won me, and is making me more and more like Him.

So I spent some time confessing; washing that gunky week off and then reflected on this question: What are some realities about who God is that would demand me to take more care? I didn't get very far with that thought because the worship team had a sound emergency which I moved toward in prayer, but I want to revisit. I want to be different. I want my relationship with my Creator, my Papa to be THE THING I spend the most energy caring about & enjoying.

I need Cindy to call me each morning and remind me, "Lee be careful. That means full of care."

So help me think through this. What are some aspects of God's character that inspire you to obey Him (and therefore enjoy Him)?

Mind-Bending Quote of the Day: Anne Lindbergh

2010-10-19T10:53:00.003-04:00

The more I read about Anne Morrow Lindbergh and the things she wrote the more I want to be her close friend!

[It] is a strange paradox. Woman instinctively wants to give, yet resents giving herself in small pieces...What we fear is not so much that our energy may be leaking away through small outlets as that it may be "going down the drain." . . . Except for the child, woman's creation is so often invisible, especially today. We are working at an arrangement in form, of the myriad disparate details of housework, family routine, and social life. It is a kind of intricate game of cat's-cradle we manipulate on our fingers, with invisible threads. How can one point to this constant tangle of household chores, errands, and fragments of human relations as a creation? Is is hard even to think of it as purposeful activity, so much of it is automatic. Woman herself begins to feel like a telephone exchange or a laundromat.

I am reading this quote and blogging while I am surrounded by dirty dishes, messy rooms, 5 loads of laundry needing to be sorted, washed, dried, folded and put up. I have yet to play with the kids and haven't spent any time pointing them to the Lord today. I have little energy for home life.

I do have energy for staff life, and friend life and for my bible study, and my home group. I feel excited about the partnership I'm experiencing with my pastor as we work on resources for Home Groups to use and feel creative as I am building the Regional website for InterVarsity in the Blue Ridge. I love writing talks and praying through the sessions of our winter conference, CornerStone.

All of these things are good, but they are not all I'm called to. I'm called to my Home. I'm called to my kids and to my dishes and to my dirty clothes. And the kicker is this--that as I press into this calling, into my call to make a home for my family and pursue excellence in that calling, I can know God. And know Him as fully as I can when I'm prepping a talk, or leading a Bible Study.

I read this quote from a book, "Finding God at Home: Family Life as Spiritual Discipline". My friend Becky suggested it when I was ranting to her about my frustration over having to serve my family through chores and neatness. And the quote helped me verbalize why home stuff feels so draining, so meaningless. But I have hope that it doesn't have to be. I have hope that God can break through the frustration and despair and give me closeness to Him, give me joy at being made more like His son, give me perspective and freedom from the curse of a life centered in my self.

The author of the book puts it like this,

This spirituality [of the home] offers something subtle. . . but awesome--a recognition of the patterns of eternity. This is probably the oldest of humanity's perceptions of the divine. . . In a community, especially the community of the family, it is the human seasons that come to be known so well, and it is through them that it is possible to discover the eternal. Living human life in the context of the family produces an understanding that discovers in every change the element that never changes. (24)

So I guess I'll stop blogging and get to cleaning my room--maybe the breakthrough will be today.

NEW CREATION-part 2

2010-09-28T16:35:00.003-04:00

Who are we really? Who does Christ tell us we are?
WE ARE NEW CREATIONS! WE ARE TRANSFORMED!!

2 Corinthians 5:16-19: "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! All this is from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to Himself in Christ, not counting people's sins against them. And He has committed to us the message of reconciliation."

Yesterday I wrote about who we are as New Creations. Here are three points about that creation.

1. This creation has nothing to do with what we have done or can do. It is all about what Christ has done.
The verse tells us, "All this is FROM God." It is a gift to us and we all need the complete gift. This idea was hard for me in High School and College. You see I suffered from good girl-itis. I was really really good. And what that convinced my fallen heart of was that I only needed a small dose of this new creation. That really my heart and life just needed some re-decorating, not a complete overhaul. What I have since learned is that I'm not as good as I thought I was, but more importantly I needed to be completely gutted and rebuilt, even the "good" parts. A totally new creation. I was a virgin when I got married, a good friend wasn't. We BOTH needed Christ virginity to save our souls. I struggle with pride and superiority, my friend Kim is one of the most humble people I know. We BOTH need Christ's humility to save us from damnation. Every part of us is going to be burned up in our glorification and only Christ will remain. That is why I cling to Christ and not my good works. Why being called a new creation is humbling and exciting.

2. This new creation is the person I was made to be before things broke.
The passage tells me that God "reconciled me to Himself through Christ." Reconciled is a word that implies God and I had previous dealings. We have history. He is the creator and I'm His creation, and in an offensively stupid move, I rebelled against my creator (following the example of my ancestors both near and far) and broke that relationship, which broke me. It is not just my rebellion that breaks me but also the rebellion of everyone around me. And the Lee that is here now is not the Lee that was intended back in the beginning. This point actually gets me really excited. The excitement starts in my stomach as an incredulous wonder..."can it be true?" As I get to know the Father, Son, Spirit God and read His Word all hope is confirmed. In the beginning, God envisioned and created this glorious woman, beautiful, wise and kind. Funny, creative, compassionate and challenging. But life broke her, and I broke her. I lived (still do) for myself and not for the one who created me. But my good Father would not let that be the end of my story, and when I came into a saving relationship with Christ, He gutted the fake, false Lee and restored the true creation of who I was meant to be. Praise to the One who raised me from the dead!

3. The creation is a completed work. It is finished!
We can't do to add to who we are. We can't do to take away from this creation. It is done, complete. And so our actions become less things that define us, and more things that reveal what we really think about ourselves and the gift of this creation. "THE OLD IS GONE." Sin is gone. It no longer defines who we are. It no longer holds power over us. It is gone. All of us still struggle with sin because this reality will only be fully recognized once we are with Him forever. But that doesn't make it less true. This is really true. We are really made completely new. It is who we are.

I am going to write tomorrow about how we can live up to this reality. And talk about some practical steps we can take to look more like the people we are. But for today I encourage you to bask in the beauty of this gift. To meditate on verses 14-18 of 2 Corinthians 5. You are new, fresh, whole, fixed. You may not feel like it. You may not act like it. But if you are walking with Christ that is who you are. Praise be to God who did it all.

Living Out the Transformed Life: Creation

2010-09-27T16:43:00.002-04:00

SO...(if you are wondering why the "so" is there check out the last post: THE BIG IDEA) how does Christ see us (and therefore how should we see ourselves)?

2 Corinthians 5:16-19: "So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! All this is from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to Himself in Christ, not counting people's sins against them. And He has committed to us the message of reconciliation."

Cecilia is doing her homework while I am writing this post. She looked at my 2 Corinthian's manuscript and saw the "!" at the end of verse 17. "Look, look, mom! An exclamation point!" Honestly, I had not noticed, but I faked it..."Yes, Cecilia, and what do you think it means when there is an exclamation point in the Bible?"

"I don't know, but it has to be GOOD!" and she went back to her writing.

I may have missed the "!" in this passage but I didn't miss the Big Idea that the "!" is pointing to. And if we want to learn to live out a different life we have to pay close attention, because it is here that Christ tells us who we are. Drum Roll please........

WE ARE NEW CREATIONS! WE ARE TRANSFORMED!!

Now, some of you are thinking, "so what...I knew this passage said that...new creation...yada yada, blah blah...old is gone...yawn." And sadly some of us are so use to this idea that it no longer gets our "!" attention. Sadly we don't even think about who we really are because we are lazy or confused or tired of feeling like a failure. The life we know we live does not look like a new anything, and is far from having the freshness of a creation.

And yet that is how Christ sees us. NEW, FRESH, ENERGIZED CREATIONS!

We think that we are being transformed, and in some ways we are, but the BIG IDEA of a relationship with God is that He makes you new right from the start, and that newness doesn't wear off. This is not who we need to become. THIS IS WHO WE ARE! This is who I am, a fully transformed woman.

But how is that possible? Because I still look pretty cruddy most days. How can He call me that, and still be considered the God of Truth? That is in the passage too. It can be true of us because when we move into a relationship with Jesus, we are given His life, His transformation. We are IN HIM.

I'm going to write a bit more about this new creation tomorrow, but for today I encourage you to spend time thinking about this idea of who you are. It doesn't matter what you did today (or didn't do) or what you did this weekend. It doesn't matter how your relationships are, or where you are emotionally. If you believe in Jesus, you are a new creation, total and complete! You have a True Father who loves you and is able to delight in you because you are given the life of Christ. Since you are found in Him, you are transformed, PERIOD.

That is a big "!". And Cecilia is right it is the best kind of GOOD!

Living Out the Transformed Life: THE BIG IDEA!

2010-09-24T16:50:00.004-04:00

AND THIS IS THE FOUNDATION FOR

LIVING OUT THE TRANSFORMED LIFE!

So before we look at how Christ see us. Before we dig into who we really are. Let's spend one post on who we think we are. I think that there are roughly two groups. The lovers and the haters.

The LOVERS- think they are AWESOME! Awesome in relationships, awesome in business, awesome in life. If these people know the Lord, they are awesome at that too, and often fall into the trap that they only need Jesus to save them from hell, but in all other things they can handle it. They work hard at being the kind of person they are proud of. The Gospel is not always good news to these people (to me). Becoming poor to be blessed, all the good stuff you do is crap compared to the good stuff that Christ did, thinking about EVERYONE else as better than you. That is not exactly "good news". It's hard news, tiring news.

The HATERS-think they SUCK! Suck in relationships, suck in business, suck at life. If these people know the Lord, they know they suck at that too. They know they need God to come through for them not just in eternity but in all things. The trap they fall into though is they don't think God wants to. They see themselves as wrecks, how could a holy God ever love that. You would think the Gospel would be good news to them, but they don't (I don't) believe it. They are so consumed with their own self-hatred that they assign that feeling to God, and get lost in self-pity, self-focus.

We all have existed in both these groups-sometimes we straddle them with such ease that it is confusing to be in relationship with us. More than once my good friend Sarah, has looked at me confused and uttered, "you are such a contradiction." And I am. I am so prideful that I think I know better than most people, but I'm so self-conscious that anytime I give an opinion in a group I spend hours afterward beating myself up for speaking and sounding so stupid. I think I'm really cool and a blast to hang out with (I know all my for real cool friends are chuckling), but after a gathering I spend time thinking how lame I was and wondering why I have friends.

I can't move into becoming transformed if I am either of these two people. If this is the way I see myself, I view transformation either as another way to prove how great I am, or another thing that will push me from the arms of my God and confirm that I'm a loser.

So I need a better way to see myself in order to move into transformation. I need to know, really know how Christ sees me and then learn to live up to that view.

So how does Christ see us? Tune in tomorrow to find out!

Living Out the Transformed Life: Seeing Christ

2010-09-23T13:07:00.003-04:00

Now that we have been freed to live our lives for Christ (see LOTL: Compelled), what are we to strive for?

2 Corinthians 5:16--"So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer."

Over the past few days I have talked about having Christ's perspective on others. But the passage doesn't just call us to a new outlook on other people, it also calls us to repent of the way we regard Jesus.

Paul is talking about himself here when he says "we." I use this language tool but normally I use it when I really mean one of my kids. "Oh, Gareth, WE need to clean up this room" (I have no intention of helping...I don't know why I use "we"). Before Paul's dramatic meeting with Jesus on the road to Damascus (Acts 9), his view of Christ was not exactly favorable. Paul considered Jesus a blasphemer, and I would imagine that he thought Jesus got exactly what He deserved on the cross. But then Paul actually meets Jesus and through becoming blind begins to SEE Christ for who He is, the incarnate, victorious God. Paul abandons the Jewish world-view, and passionately takes on a more accurate view of Christ.

So how does our culture view Christ? I don't think one blog post can cover this topic well. I wonder if 30 would be enough. So I'll pick one view to talk through. One that I think the church secretly agrees with--the "up-to-a-point" view of Christ.

I think most unbelieving people are fine with Jesus, UP TO A POINT. Jesus was kind and wise, He acted on behalf of the poor and the outcast. A lot of popular books in our culture quote Him. But the world only stays "OK" with Him if He is a just a part of who you are, not the center. If you give Him the same attention you give your facebook page...well Ok, that's not a big deal. But when He starts to take up too much of your life, too much of your time, too much of your conversation, too much of your facebook page...then there could be a problem. And the idea that Jesus claims to be THE WAY to God is hard--it's a deal-breaker. It's a deal-breaker for the world, and come on chruch...it's a deal-breaker for us.

We don't want to give the Lord all that we have. We don't want to hear His call to holiness and definately not His challenge to simplicity. Being missional (talking about Jesus to non-believeing friends), sacrifing all right to live out of self-motivated actions and flinging ourselves on God's good and sufficent grace--BLURG! Most of us feel exhausted just thinking about it. So we adopt a version of this "up-to-a-point" faith. We allow Him space and lordship in the areas of our lives where we already agree with Him--tithing, church going, smoking...But other areas that are too hard, too consuming, or frankly areas where we think scripture is wrong, (pride, racism, purity, generosity...etc.) we ignore. We pretend. We defend.

But brothers and sisters we can't live in this "up-to-a-point" faith anymore. It makes us an untrustworthy people, which reflects that God is not to be trusted. And the only WAY to enjoy God is to strive toward being just like His Son...not sort of like Him. We need to get serious about Christ being our LORD, and let Him in to those areas that frankly He is going to rip apart and then make whole.

I need to do this. If I say I am a Christ follower I need to follow Him into all areas. I need to strive to make Phillippians 2:5-11 as much a description of me as it is of Christ. I need to love the poor, dine with the lost, enjoy my God, serve those around me. I need to forgive (OUCH!) I need to forgive every single time.

"God consume all parts of me. Flood all areas, even the ones where I try to shut you out. Make me more and more like Your Son, Jesus."

Are there any other ways that the world's view on Christ and faith has invaded the church or more importantly your life?

Living Out the Transformed Life: Perspective-part 2

2010-09-22T10:04:00.003-04:00

Now that we have been freed to live our lives for Christ (see LOTL: Compelled), what are we to strive for?

2 Corinthians 5:16--So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer.

Yesterday I talked about perspective, and how our view of others has to change when we become Christ-followers. I asked two questions yesterday. The first was, how does the world view other people? The two main words I talked about were comparison and competition.

Today I want to write about that second question.

If I am called to abandon the way the world views people, then what perspective am I to adopt? Right above this verse in 2 Corinthians 5, Paul tells us that, "And He[Jesus] died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for Him who died for them and was raised again." These verses tell me that I'm to live for Jesus Christ. To take on His outlook.

So how does Jesus view people?

While the world views relationships from a consumer perspective. Christ takes on the attitude of a servant. "What can I do for YOU?" was His posture toward everyone He interacted with. Instead of Comparison and Competition, Christ moved toward others with Compassion and Truth.

Think of the woman caught in adultery in John 8. Jesus is teaching when some Pharisees drag a woman into the crowd. Scripture says, "They made her stand before the crowd," and then try to use this woman to trap Jesus. But Jesus instantly calls them on this comparison crap! "Ok," I imagine Him saying, "your right. She deserves to die. So let's form a line to keep things orderly, and all of you who have NEVER screwed up, who have NEVER broken the law, you go first." They were all comparing themselves to this woman. And compared to her, they were looking good. But Christ reminded them that God judges us based on His standard...perfection, and when compared to perfection, we all feel embarrassed. See this played out as this story concludes.

Christ is the only one in the crowd who had any right to throw those stones because He NEVER screwed up, NEVER broke the law. And as everyone walks away blushing, He chooses compassion. He doesn't condemn the woman. He offers her grace.

And he offers her TRUTH. Don't miss that. She doesn't just get His sympathy, He also calls her to move out of her junk. He cared enough about her to confront the poor choices she was making. He tells her to "...leave your life of sin."

I am not so good at compassion, truth and service. I might fake it well for people who aren't close to me, but with Joshua and my kids, my true colors come out. I care more about what Joshua can do for me than about what I can do for him. I think more about how I can get the marriage I want, live in the family I want, than I think about what Christ wants for my family, what He wants to do in my marriage. I get fed up with people's brokenness. Rolling my eyes when I see Josh in a struggle to be the guy God created Him to be. God isn't annoyed with Joshua, or my kids, or brokenness, so why do I think it's ok to be annoyed?

I need a transformed perspective on others. I need Christ to flood my life so I can only see people from His perspective. He, who didn't feel the need to announce that He could throw a stone if He wanted. He, who cared a lot more about this lady than He did about His own reputation or really His own law which she had just broken. I need Him to come more and more alive in me and put to death this fleshy greedy "self" that would have thrown a stone.

Living Out the Transformed Life: Perspective

2010-09-21T13:42:00.005-04:00

Now that we have been freed to live our lives for Christ (see previous post), what are we to strive for?

2 Corinthians 5:16--So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer.

My kids love to watch the Imagination Movers on Disney. The movers are 4 guys and one mouse who solve people's problems by using their imaginations. One of the movers, Scott, has wobble goggles (Gareth and Audrey call them wobble gobbles). These goggles allow Scott to look through walls and into machines. These goggles give him a fuller perspective on life in the Idea Warehouse. I envy Scott's goggles. I want something to keep on top of my head that allows me to look behind couch cushions, search out the missing shoe or find the remote!

This passage calls us to have wobble goggles of our own.

If you are a follower of Christ you can no longer see others they way everyone else (the world) does. You have to see them from a totally new perspective. That begs two questions--How does the world view people, and who's point of view should I have?

Our culture views people from a consumer perspective. "What can YOU do for ME"--that is the question and focus of broken worldly relationships. What do you have to offer? How can you advance my career, my social life, my family?

Two words always come to mind when I think about relationships lived out in our world today. Comparison and Competition. How do I look when compared to you? And then after I've compared, I move to the competition part of this broken relationship. So if I come out looking better than you...we might become friends as long as the gap is not too wide. If I come out looking worse than you...weeeell we might still end up friends, because you could pull me up while I pull you down--the classic definition of "frienemies" (can there be a "classic" definition of a word that has been around less than 5 years).

So that is what I am called out of--THANK GOD! That was exhausting just to type out, much more to live out. But what am I called to? I'll think on that tomorrow. But before we move on... Ponder some questions:

Where do you compare yourself to others? Why do it? We should only compare ourselves to Christ. That is the only comparison our true Father is making.
Where do you find yourself competing with your brother and sisters in Christ? Trying to have the best of something (stuff, Quiet times, parenting moments, kick-a blogs-smile...)? What is the solution to Competition?
What is the culture like in your church/fellowship? Is it a consumer culture with comparison and competition strangling life? Or does it break free from that?

This is a picture of another imagination mover that I think looks like my friend, Jeremy! It's Jeremy's birthday...So Happy Birthday friend!

Living Out the Transformed Life: Death

2010-09-20T08:48:00.003-04:00

Paul's working definition for sin in this passage is Living Lives Centered on Ourselves.

2 Corinthians 5:14-15 "For Christ's love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. And He died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for Him who died for them and was raised again."

After mentioning Christ's love, these verses talk a lot about death. One guy died. Everybody died. He died, they died. Alot of death talk to say that Jesus Christ had to come and die because we were dead.

And what killed us?

A life lived for ourselves.

Personally, I don't think selfishness is a big deal. When I make a choice that is self-focused I often shrug it off. I mean everyone is thinking about themselves...so what's the big deal if I do, right? I have to think about myself, protect myself, take care of myself. If I don't...who will? Hmmm. A life lived for myself doesn't seem so awful, and a life lived for others is what seems scary...deadly. If I live for others there won't be anything left for me. I'll be used up and abandoned. I'll be dead. But scripture tells me I was dead already.

I wasn't created to take care of myself. I wasn't meant to grap after what I want. I was knit together, wonderfully created by a Father that is still in the picture. I was created to turn to Him with all my needs, and let HIM take care of me. I was meant to grap after Him and grap onto what He wants for me and for the world. I was fashioned to live for Christ and Christ alone.

And Christ died so I could live in this reality.

not so I could live for myself.

More tomorrow....

Living Out the Transformed Life: Coerced

2010-09-18T08:06:00.006-04:00

The pursuit of a transformed life has to be root in and motivated by Christ's love for us.
It can not be pursued out of feelings of obligation or guilt.

2 Corinthians 5:14a--"For Christ's love compels us."

Yesterday I talked about Christ's love compelling us toward transformation. But a good number of people in the church (including a couple here at the Simmons Spot) aren't motivated by Christ's passion for us. We strive toward holiness because it's what we should do, or because we feel deep guilt if we don't.

We are coerced into the transformed life, not compelled.

I pursue right living because it is expected by my family, my friends, my church, myself, my God. I strive toward holiness because it is what good girls do. But eventually that motivation turns not into life but into junk.

I start feeling resentful toward the expectations. I start to compare my own "good" choices and "good" life with those around me, and pride grows in me. Pride always kills my heart for those who struggle. I get annoyed with God's ever diligent place in my life, and start wishing He would go away. I get tired of living up to the good girl persona and eventually lash out by binging on lazy living, gossip, selfishness...you get the picture.

Some examples from my life this week:

I played in the floor with Gareth, because I know it is what good mommy's do.
I chose to say kind things about someone instead of mean and thoughtless things, because I don't like to be around people who talk about others.
I went to a ladies night out at my church because I know I'm suppose to get to know people and take part in community.
I talked to new people at a few events I attended because that is what good InterVarsity staff are trained to do.
I unloaded the dish washer because a messy kitchen makes me feel like a failure.

These were wise choices. They were what a woman who is committed to Christ should do, but they were done for the wrong reasons. Out of the wrong heart. I do a lot of good stuff in my life out of wrong motivation! So what should I do? Stop all the good stuff. Stop all the striving because my motivation is bad? NO! But I should spend a chunk of my day or week thinking about this question-"what did I do today because I'm suppose to and not because Christ loves me?" HONESTLY think about it, and then pray.

"God I'm not playing with Gareth now because You love me and call me to care well for my family. I'm just trying to be the best mom I know, and I'm trying to push away the feelings that I suck at being a parent. Change my heart."
"God, I'm moving toward this new family at church not out of Your heart for me and for them, but because I honestly think no one else will talk to them. Forgive me my pride and self-focus. Give me your heart and energy for the new people I meet."
"God, I didn't take part in that gossip today, not because You love me and have made me a new creation. I did it because I don't want to be like those who were, and now I need Your forgiveness for seeing myself as better than them. Forgive me too for not calling them to a better choice, but just listening."

The guy who got this right was brother Lawrence a monk in the 17th century. He understood that all parts of his day from his prayer life to serving others to working in the kitchen, that all parts should be in response to God's loving presence.

God, teach me to be like brother Lawrence--Help me to understand your presence in my life, and teach me how to know and confess my vain and small motivations for living out my life in you. Win my heart and let me be inspired and compel only by Your love for me and Your work on the cross.

Anyone else what to share where you struggle with bad motivation?

Living Out the Transformed Life: Compelled

2010-09-16T22:33:00.012-04:00

The pursuit of a transformed life has to be rooted in & motivated by Christ's love for us.

2 Corinthians 5:14a--"For Christ's love compels us,"

I love the word compel. Paul doesn't say that Christ's love demands, or insists. He also doesn't go the other way and say that Christ's love suggests, alludes or even strongly encourages. No, Christ's love compels us to be transformed. It draws us into a desire to be like Him. His love woos me to a holy life.

I don't know many people who feel like they are truly lovable. I've always been surprised when people show an interest in being my friend. When Joshua asked me out I was so shocked that he was interested in me, I was silent for 2 hours! (No wise-cracks about how hard that must have been--ha ha I get it...I like to talk-smile.)

In the end I guess we are not really a lovable people. Vain, wimpy, lazy, addicted to our small story, and terrified of real, honest relationship with each other and our God. No surprise that we are also insecure.

But God--Father, Son, Spirit--loves us completely, passionately, wildly. And He would do anything to be close to us. Hebrews 12:2 tells us "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame." This verse helps me understand God's heart for His creation. I'm the joy set before Christ. We all are. Freeing us from our death-soaked lives, and making a way for us to be in a relationship with Him is what motivated Him to suffer the tortures of death on a cross. He loves us.

When I first heard the John Mark McMillian song "How He Loves" I was not a fan. I'll admit it. I even gave our camp worship leader Kenny a hard time for having it in the song list. I didn't get it. But I do now. Christ loves us. OH HOW CHRIST LOVES US! It's shocking and overwhelming. It's undeserved and too good to be true. But it is true, should I expect anything less from a God that is so big and beautiful, so good and wild. He loves me, He came after me, He won me.

That is compelling.

I want to live up to that love. To bend under it's weight. I want to be different, transformed, not because I should be, not because I ought, but because this kind of love draws me toward transformation. This love is ravishing and I am won.

And I'll never doubt a song that Kenny picks again. Sorry brother!

Living Out the Transformed Life

2010-09-16T10:41:00.009-04:00

This week I was asked to speak at the Clemson Greek IV. Greek IV is a ministry of InterVarsity that cares for Fraternity and Sorority students on campuses. It was great to be there with Dusty (the Greek IV staff) and see how the Lord is loving on the Greek students and how He is growing the ministry there.

I was asked to speak on the topic of Being Transformed, and directed to the passage in 2 Corinthians 5:14-21 where Paul calls the Corinthians (and us) NEW CREATIONS. As I was pondering this topic I could not stop thinking about Josh's love for the Lions.

Joshua has been a Lion's fan since he was young. And he is alone in that love. We don't know any other fans, and the team has never been inspiring enough to convert people's hearts. Every draft Josh eagerly anticipates who will get drafted. When free agency rolls around he checks Lion news every morning. And every year, every pre-season, every opening weekend Joshua's heart swells with hope. Hope that this will be the year things will turn around. Hope that this will be the year they might squeek into the playoffs. Hope burns in Josh's heart during the summer and through September. He pulls out the HUGE Lion's flag, and puts on his Lion's jersey.

I get the same way when I read scripture or hear sermons about transformation. I get a vision, I sense the fresh air of a transformed life. All the junky parts of myself seem to lose their appeal, their hold, and I hope. I hope that I can be the person that scripture tells me to be. I hope that I too can be like Paul and Peter--giving over my whole life for Christ and the Kingdom. The topic of a transformed life is like my pre-season with the Lions. Full of Hope and excited possibility.

BUT THEN...

every opening weekend, every single one, the Lions fail Josh. A key player gets injured, the defense isn't as tight as it should be, a coaching strategy falls short. They lead through the first part of the game only to give up a touchdown in the last minutes. This past weekend, that happened. In the course of the game the Lions lost their quarterback to a shoulder injury, and then allowed the Bears to score in the last part of the game. To add insult to deep injury, they were able to rally in the last drive down the field and in the final seconds Calvin Johnson catches a TD pass, only to have it taken back by a review of the play. Josh is crushed. This failure leads to next week's and the next and by mid-season Josh has lost all hopes and packs away the Lion's jersey for another year.

Back to me: The day after I hear that inspiring talk about being a transformed person I screw up. I screw up big, I screw up little. I live out the worst part of myself. Selfish and disrespectful with Josh, annoyed and impatient with the kids, I run toward gossiping about a sweet friend or an enemy (gossip about an enemy is just as gross), I give in to lazy thoughts, lazy habits, lazy life. And the hope I had turns into shame, despair and self-hatred. I begin to see the call to be transformed from a cynical, self-protective suit of armor, hating myself for being weak, and ignoring a nagging frustration that God doesn't seem to show up for me like he does for my friends. And I pack away my hope, my excitement over being the person that the Bible calls me to be, that God has freed me to be.

But as I was in this 2 Corinthians passage God challenged me, corrected me, and gave me hope anew that I can be (and actually already am) a fully alive, deeply compelling, transformed person. So over the next week or so I am going to commit to blog every to every other day to talk about what I learned in 2 Corinthians 5. I hope you'll join the conversation.

Here is that glorious catch that was called back!

2010-04-20T13:10:00.002-04:00

Here are some Easter photos. Josh is not in them because he needed some quiet at the house and then when we got home we could not keep the kids in their clothes long enough for our friend Brooke to get a shot of all of us...ah well...maybe next year! SMILE!

Some video of Audrey!

2009-10-12T12:24:00.003-04:00

Here she is talking and making funny faces. I hope you enjoy! Hopefully I get one up of Cecilia singing today.

Some Silly Simmons' Moments

2009-10-04T14:31:00.005-04:00

A couple of days ago Cecilia interrupted me asking Josh a question and said, "MOM! I know something you don't know!" Josh chuckled and she added, "I mean, YOU know about alot of things, but I know something you don't!"

"What do you know?" I asked her in honest curiosity, (I too think that I know about alot of things). Her eyes widened in excitement, her arms went up in a perfect storytelling stance, and she began, "You know when dinosaurs and unicorns were still alive? Well, when they were still alive, the WORLD WAS FLAT!!! Can you believe that?!?"

Gareth's birthday was GREAT! We had a good party and he loved all the games and the presents (photos to come later this week). Josh and I got him a fishing pole and camping seat for his gift. On Saturday morning Josh took him fishing for the first time. They drive to the park and got their poles and chairs out of the car. As they are walking to the water to set up, Gareth looks up at Josh and sighs deeply, "I so happy!"

It's hard to think of story of Audrey, because she is just funny all the time, but it doesn't translate into stories. She loves to sing and tries to sing some of her favorite songs (when I start video taping her she stops! AKKK). She also will lay with me on the bed or sit with me on the couch and she will rub my back or play with my hair. SO ADORABLE! She exclaims all of our names in loud and gravely bark, and loves playing with Gareth. She is also truly obstinate!
At a restaurant a couple of weeks ago she was sticking her finger up her nose. Her Grammy (Josh's mom), moved her finger and said in a playful way, "No, no Audrey." Audrey pulled away from her and JAMMED her finger up her nose and stared defiantly at her Grammy for 5 full seconds. Bewildered Grammy turned to me and I tried to take over, but once she decides to do something it is a bloody and costly battle to take her on.

More Little Man Love

2009-09-21T17:22:00.004-04:00

Here is a video of Gareth singing his favorite song! I hope you enjoy it, and be on the look out for some videos of the ladies soon!!

I think the intense ending is an homage to his dad who loves scat.

A Brat's Lament

2009-09-14T10:30:00.002-04:00

I am a brat in my deepest self. The urban dictionary’s definition for brat… “Derogatory term for a spoilt person. Originally applied to small children and John MacEnroe.” I don’t know what it is about me: is it because I’m American? Is it because of my temperament? Is it because growing up I thought the goal of faith in Christ was being a good girl and then getting just what I wanted? I don’t know what is at the root of my spoilt-ness, but I know when it most clearly comes out.

Recently life has gotten harder for me. Through some conflict with people I love everything seems to have been stirred up and I wonder if it will ever be peaceful again. I was spending some time journaling about it and I began to hear God say, “Lee, come to me! Depend on me. That is what this upheaval will do. It makes you need Me in more ways. It will make you depend on me for your very life.”

My reaction to this loving call…Anger, frustration and withdrawal. I just want this area of my life to be easy, to fit the dream I have for it. I just want this area to work. I don’t want to be sharpened or pruned here. I just want ease and comfort. I just want Him to leave me alone.
Hopefully you hear the entitlement of this position. God I have a right to remain in control of certain areas of my life. God, I appreciate the way you have brought great life and wholeness to my ministry, my marriage, my parenting, (all of this life brought about by similar struggles) but THIS is off limits. God I need some space!

I’ve been reading the book, “Sacred Marriage”, and while it is speaking in great ways to my relationship with Josh, it is doing more for my relationship with God and others. In the chapter entitled “Sacred Struggle” this quote dug into my heart,
“[Christians] have it so easy that we can begin to be lulled to sleep, thinking that life should be easy or that it will always be easy. Once it gets a little difficult, we tend to become consumed with trying to make our lives comfortable again. But by doing so we miss a great spiritual opportunity. …Ask yourself this question: Would I rather live a life of ease and comfort and remain immature in Christ, or am I willing to be seasoned with suffering if by doing so I am conformed to the image of Christ?...”

So what is God’s response to my bratty need to be left alone? Like the mom in the movie Spanglish when confronted with her own tween daughter’s demand for space, she moves even closer to her sweet child and declares, “There is NOT a space between us.” God’s call to me is one of infinite intimacy and love. Being close to Him is not easy but it is life giving and whole. Being close to Him is not set by my agenda but by His, and He knows me best. He knows what I’m ready for, and what I need freedom from. Thankfully He grabs my bratty heart and bear hugs it into Himself leaving only space for redemption out of my bratty self-entitled flesh into the perfect life of His Son. Praise be to God!

Flying Solo with My Favorite Little Man!

2009-09-04T23:42:00.002-04:00

This week I was able to spend some time alone with my favorite little man-Gareth. Because we got pregnant with Audrey so quickly after Gareth’s birth—and I suck at being pregnant and doing life among the living—I’ve not had tons of time where it was just him and me. During our week I notice some interesting things that set Gareth apart from the other two little Simmons'.

**He missed the girls terribly. He moped around the house, and kept asking where they were. At lunch he sighed deeply and said he wanted to only eat lunch with Cilia and Audrey.

**He is careful and able to contain his excitement better than the girls. We went to the grocery store to get a few things, and he pushed around the little kid shopping cart. We had to stop letting Cecilia do this because she rammed into displays, hit other people’s carts and ran over little old ladies trying to pick out produce. But Gareth took his time and concentrated on what he was doing. When others entered our aisle, he slowed down and moved over. With a little prompting he would say excuse me and continue on. He only ran into something once (when he was looking at the wheel of the cart to watch it role). IT WAS GREAT!

**He is super compassionate. When Audrey was upset at the beach—which was a lot of the time—Gareth would stop playing with his cars or trains and come over to help. He would try to talk to her or hold her hand or would bring her a cup. Once he even brought her a train to hold which for Gareth is like letting her have the keys to his new car to take for a spin.

**This morning he woke up around 6, so we decided to get outside and watch the sunrise together. We got a blanket, his bear and I took my Bible. We snuggled down and sat together for a while looking at the sky and talking about where the moon was. Then I read the creation story and we talked about it. I asked him, “Gareth who made the moon?” He replied, “Garbet!”—that is how he says his name. “No…who?” “God.” He replied with a cheeky grin, looking up at me from the corner of his eyes. He answered that way with all my queries about who created this and that…most of the time he said he did, a few times he gave his dad some credit, and once when I asked him who created the beach he said “Peoples!”

**Lastly, I think he is my bravest kid. His name means Brave, and I saw that come out over the past week. Don’t get me wrong, both girls are bolder than he is. Audrey would run out onto the beach and into the water and if you didn’t stop her, she would keep going. She doesn’t seem to know fear. Gareth does. The sound of the waves, the size of the ocean, the height of the big blue slide at Mcdonald's, the chaos of a dog being right in his face and running around his legs. He gets that all these things are bigger than him and could hurt him…but he tries to interact with them in spite of his fear. He gets in the water, he goes down the slide, and he (after a day or so) sneaks up to a sleeping dog, reaches around a corner and tentatively pets him for a minute—and walks away tall! That is bravery. He might not be bold, but he doesn’t let his fear get the last word. He moves past it and jumps into the ocean with both feet.

God and Bad Breath

2009-09-02T09:16:00.002-04:00

Like most people I don’t wake up with the freshest mouth. I move to brush my teeth as soon as I can in the morning. I am self conscience about letting anyone get near me. I keep my face under the covers until Josh gets up, I don’t get too close to the kids—keeping my face turned away if they insist on a hug before I can get to the sink. I don’t even like being close to myself…it’s one of my least favorite things about me.

This week, I got to bring Gareth and Audrey to the beach with my parents. Josh and Cecilia had to stay home for school and work. I try to get up before the sun on the first morning when I’m at the beach and go out and spend time with God as the sun comes up. Mark 1 is my motivation. “Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where He prayed.” Jesus knew that rest didn’t come princilby from sleep but from time with His Dad. So even after a VERY BUSY day and LATE night, He still gets up early and prays, connects, abides with His Father. I try to follow His example on vacations. Spending the first morning up before the sun, letting my Father know that He is my true vacation, time with Him is TRUE and powerful Rest.

The problem is that I’m the only one waking early in a house full of people. My kids are light sleepers…one sound and they wake up. So when I get up I have to tip, tip, tip toe out the door just to make it down to the beach. That means no time for the cleaning of the mouth. This morning while I was watching the sun rise with my heavenly Father thinking about how He delighted in me because of the life of His Son, I was offended by my breath. I craked the joke in my mind… “OH! God I know you don’t delight in the breath!” And quietly I heard back, “OH! YES I DO!”

My heavenly Father delights in spending time with me no matter what I look like, smell like, or even what state my heart is in. This delight comes from the perfect life of Jesus which He exchanges with me (also a truth shown to us in Mark ). He looks at the life of Christ and is able to enjoy His time with me, and use the time to call me be more like His perfect Son.

I will say, God is maybe the only one I can allow myself to be close to with my stinky bed breath, but through His acceptance of my whole stinky self (and through his cleaning up the stink) I find a way to move closer to those around me—well, after I brush.

Favorite Commercials-Take 3

2008-10-24T23:42:00.002-04:00

When Josh and I sat down and thought about our top 5 commercials, this one was at the top of our list. We know it's weird, but come on! It is FUNNY! Slap your belly funny!

Favorite Commercials-Take 2

2008-10-23T21:54:00.003-04:00

Here is another favorite! Josh rates this among his favorite as well. I can remember when this one premiered and I loved it then. Enjoy.

What is the World Coming To?

2008-10-14T10:51:00.002-04:00

Today I was working on a flyer to send to InterVarsity students inviting them to an evangelism training we are doing in the area. I spent a few hours thinking about the flyer and was ready to move into creating it. The hardest part of creating something like this is choosing the right font. It might sound silly to you, but on any thing I make I spend a good hour, if not longer, choosing just the right font.
After exhausting all the fonts in Word and on my Mac, I decide to turn to the infinite resources of the internet to track down the elusive lettering of my dreams. It takes me about 30 minutes to find one that would fit perfectly in my flyer design, and SUCCESS! The font I track down is ideal for what I'm doing. I notice it is not a free download, but in my head I know that the font would be worth paying for because it is going to make the flyer look GREAT! As I click on the link to pay for the download, I'm planning out how to sell my supervisor on the cost. I know it's not going to be hard--he gets that doing things excellently sometimes means spending $30 or $40.
I spend the minute it takes for the page to upload gazing out the window of a cafe I'm working at, dreaming about where I'm going to put my super cool textbox and how great the end-product is going to look.....and BAM!

The font costs $996.69...................What is the world coming to!?!?!?!

I guess Arial Narrow will just have to do--sigh!

Favorite Commercials

2008-09-27T15:47:00.001-04:00

This is one of my all time favorite commercials! Enjoy.

Some Simmons' Updates

2008-09-27T06:48:00.014-04:00

Here are some recent photo's of the kids.

Some of interesting tid-bits about them--

Audrey's favorite sound to make right now is this non-girly sound that is exactly like a whale blowing water out of it's blow hole. She is also rolling over all the time, and is laughing regularly--especially at Cecilia, Gareth, dogs, and Daddy's beard up against her face.

Gareth is talking quite alot now and is obsessed with the Moon and Stars! ANYTIME we are in the car he wants to know where his moon and stars are, "Mommy, Mommy"
"Yes Gareth?"
"Where my Moon and star? Mommy, Mommy?"
"Yes Gareth?"
"Where my Moon and stars?" "Well Gareth they don't come out during the day. They are all asleep."
"Mommy, Mommy?"
"Yes Gareth?"
"Where my Moon and stars?"
I try and get him to start asking his daddy or my friend Amanda, but that doesn't last too long and he normally comes back to his favorite phrase, "Mommy, Mommy?" Just like Cecilia when she was young, I wonder if I should worry that Gareth is apparently a moon worshiper. But then I remember that Abram worshiped the moon before God introduced Himself and I would say that Abram turned out just fine.
Gareth also has a riding toy he got for Christmas, and he loves to crash into everything with that truck! His new favorite crash site is his older sister's shins! Several times during the day, I'll be in the living room working, and I'll hear that truck thundering down the hall, enter the kitchen, and SLAM! Then the inevitable, "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! MOMMY HE HIT ME WITH HIS TRUCK!"
I head into the other room where Cecilia is on the floor holding her leg and Gareth, instead of looking sad or ashamed over what he has done, looks up at me with a proud puffed-up chest and deeply gleeful smile.

Cecilia has started school and LOVES it! She bursts in the door of the school each day and tells her teachers how excited she is to be there. She is making friends with the kids in her class and is growing into a kind and thoughtful little girl.
The other day, she, Josh and I were having Quiet Time together and her Pepaw called (this is Josh's dad). She asked if she could talk to him on the phone and while they were chatting he told her that she was coming over that night to spend the night at Pepaw and Grammy's house. Cecilia got instantly excited. She turned to me to ask if it were true, and as she was asking she became so excited, so overwhelmed (please note that all this happens in the space of about 30 seconds) that she began crying, fairly uncontrollably! My heart melted. I told her it was true and she closed her eyes tightly and gave herself an excited hug.
The best part came next when, still in her highly emotional state, she got back on the phone with Pepaw and started explaining how excited she was. When Cecilia is really happy and is trying to talk about it, Stream of consciousness is the only way to describe the experience. So she starts jumping to all these things that make her happy, trying to communicate with Pepaw that she is excited and the only truly coherent thing she gets out is at the end when she blurts, "And PEPAW, God is making us houses in Heaven!!" Josh and I are laughing hysterically not only at Cecilia's verbal vomit which is so sincere and adorable, but mainly because we can hear poor Pepaw on the other end of the phone, not exactly sure what just happened, not exactly sure what Cecilia is talking about and I'm betting that he is rethinking the decision to ask her about the sleepover. When Josh got the phone back Cecilia was adamant that he let Pepaw know that she just crying "happy cries" not sad ones.

Nostalgic Musings

2008-09-18T11:33:00.019-04:00

I've been moving through a workbook--"The Creative Call" by Janice Elshiemer. The author encourages you to get up early & write in a creative journal she calls a daybook. This week one of the daybook exercises was to jot down some favorite memories from childhood. I deeply enjoyed thinking through this and thought some of you might enjoy reading it.

On Sunday nights after church my parents often went out with friends to Shoney's. I remember sitting beside them in the cushy booth, listening to my Dad and our pastor talk about the mysteries of scripture. Even as a little kid I felt pride in my Dad's desire to know God and understand the Word. He would get so excited that he would proclaim in a loud belly laugh the greatness of his God. I remember wanting to know every detail about the topic they were discussing that week. Their talks made me want to discover the nuggets of truth they possessed and be included in the conversation. I think this is where my curiosity for scripture was born.
Some nights, when I was not engaged in listening, I was busy making the ever popular "mystery" drink with the kids who had come. A staple of our late nights out was dumping everything from our plates and the table into our water glasses and daring each other to drink it. It was inevitable though, no mater how careful and quiet we were, the cup would always end up knocked over. The contents spilling over us, our table, our shoes and the floor. Our parents would consequently swoop down on our table and usher us out to the car and home to bed.

I loved climbing trees and playing in creeks. I remember the joy I felt when I was up among the branches. I was strong and indestructible! Grace and skill seemed like second nature which was the opposite of how I felt when I was on the ground. I loved the solitude as well. When I was up as high as I could go, and had found the perfect notch to lean or sit on, I remember closing my eyes and enjoying the wind rocking the branches and tickling my face with my hair.
There was a creek behind our church that I was always trying to get into! My mom remained frustrated in the summer because I constantly muddied my nice shoes and dirtied my Sunday dresses. I remember the satisfaction I felt when I would jump from rock to rock to rock all up and down the course of the creek. It was the first place I felt independent from my parents. Making my own choices and suffering the consequence of a wet shoe if I made a poor one. Even better was when I would take off my shoes and wade into the water. I loved squishing my toes in the mud and was terrified that I would get pinched by crawfish.

One of my favorite places to spend time with I was young was my friend Holly's house. Holly was a great friend to have. She was kind and energetic, and she loved to pretend as much as I did. I always felt safe around her. I felt like I could be completely myself and she valued the person I let her see.
She lived in, at least I remember it being an old farmhouse. There was a barn with animals (she raised a cow for 4H at one point), a big interesting back yard, her mysterious artistic older brother (smile), and her mother, Paula, who was as kind as Holly. Her house was like a fantasy land for me. There was a wood-burning kitchen stove and a big fireplace. It was away from the main road so we could roam around on our own, letting our imaginations run wild.
I think Holly is the reason I love to read today. She had so many books at her house and I remember one of our favorite past times was reading to each other and telling each other stories. Holly's mom loved telling stories too and knew many folk tales that she would tell us over and over. I vividly remember her telling me about the first woman who was executed in NC. Holly introduced me to my favorite book, "The Westing Game" one night when I was spending time with her and her family as they worked to put up some harvested something. We took turns reading it to each other late into the night, sitting by the campfire, with the aid of a flashlight. It was so spooky I wanted to stop reading but so interesting I couldn't.

Those weren't all the things I loved from when I was a kid, but it is all I'll blog about for now. I would love to hear some of your favorite things from childhood and would encourage you to take some time this week to write about your own memories. It was really satisfying!

My Dad and His Delightful Wit

2008-08-04T23:23:00.006-04:00

So I posted about my mom being oh so cute, and while I'll spare my dad the degradation of calling him "cute" I will say he is one of the funniest men I know. Here are two humorous stories about my dad.

The first story includes two of my favorite things my Dad and Diet Coke...
At a recent physical my Dad was in the Doctor's office with my mom talking with his doctor about the results of the exam. When the doctor was finished explaining what he found he said, "Bill, is there anything else you need to talk about?"

"Well, I do have this pain in my arm." My Dad replies as he moves his arm with a slight wince on his face.

"Oh. What do you think could be the matter?"

"Well," Dad says in a serious tone, "I think it's all the Diet Coke!"

The doctor laughs and dismissively says, "Bill! You know that there is nothing in Diet Coke that would make your arm hurt."

My Dad grins as he chuckles and says, "Well, Diet Coke can hurt your arm if you go through the McDonald's drive through and pull your wife's Diet Coke into the car 8 or 9 times a day!

Recently my dad has been striving to eat better. He has cut out fried foods and non-whole wheat bread from his diet and consequently has lost 60 pounds! He looks great and feels much better. The last time I went to see my parents I was sitting on their porch reading a book. My dad comes out onto the porch and does a little jig to get my attention. As I look up to watch his dance he says, "60 pounds! That's how much I've lost!"
"WOW Dad!" I exclaim, "that is GREAT!"
"Yeah! Now I'm going to have to go and get those shots." is his reply.
At this point I'm confused. What shots? All this weight loss started because of some bad sugar test he had and the Dr.'s concern over him becoming diabetic.
"Do you still need insulin shots? I thought the weight loss would fix the sugar problem!"
My dad's face breaks into a huge grin and he answers, "Insulin shots! No! I'm talking about botox! Now that I've lost all this weight in my face I look really OLD!

The CUTEST Mom in the World--"WTF"

2008-07-04T18:05:00.012-04:00

Take that everyone! I do indeed have the most adorable mom on the planet!

I was hanging out with my family watching season one of Project Runway. If any of you have watched this particular season, most of the contestants drop the "F" Bomb regularly. After an especially exploding segment, I made a crack about the potty mouths and my mom chuckled.

She said that just recently she had read an article in the newspaper about how NC had to recall 10,000 license plates. What about these plates caused such a stir? Well, the first three letters on these thousands of tags just happened to be "WTF". So Raleigh's only recourse was to take back all the offending tags and issue new ones.

My Mom was confused. What did "WTF" stand for and how offensive could it be to amount to the cost of fixing the screw up. She thought and thought, but could not come up with what "WTF" possibly meant.

What could she do to track down the meaning behind these naughty initials. She could ask the ladies in her Sunday School Class. She could pull out her cell phone and call her two daughters. She could ask one of the many business owners she talks to everyday. She could have done any number of things to discover the answer to her query, but being the resourceful and tech-savvy lady that she is...She googled it!

AND BOY DID SHE FIND OUT WHAT IT MEANT!

Silly Cecilia Moments--Heaven and Death

2008-07-01T21:36:00.013-04:00

We have been talking to Cecilia about Heaven for a few months now. Here are a couple of stories that show she's been pondering our conversations.

I had to get blood taken at the doctor's office and they gave me a band-aid for my poor bruised finger. When I came out Cecilia saw it and asked why I needed a shot. We talked about how mommy had a "shot" because the doctor needed to make sure the baby was doing well. Then we talked about how shots may not be fun but they are good because they help protect us from disease. Heaven came up as I told her that in heaven we won't have to worry with shots because no one gets sick. She was really excited about that and all the way home quizzed me about which day of the week we would get to go to heaven. She informed me that Tuesdays & Thursdays were school days, Wednesdays and Sundays we went to church, so that left Mondays, Fridays or Saturdays for us to go to Heaven. A few days later my friend Amanda (See the "Why I Love My Friends" post) was driving Cecilia somewhere for me. She and Cecilia were chatting when all of the sudden Cecilia said in a rather desperate little voice, "Deda (this is what she has always called Amanda), I hope you get to go to Heaven." Amanda replied that she is going to Heaven because she believes in Jesus. Cecilia excitedly states, "OH GOOD! I want you to be there with Me and Mommy and Daddy and Gareth. Do you know that you don't have to get shots and you won't get sick!"

Just recently I was driving the kids home from running some errands. Out of the blue Cecilia asked, "Mommy, when do we go to Heaven?"
I wasn't sure how to respond to her. It seemed that the honest answer was too morbid for a 4 year old, but when in doubt I try for the simple truth. "Well honey, we can't go to Heaven until we die."
"OH Yes!" She said with a grown-up, matter of fact tone, "When our lives are all used up, we die and then we go to Heaven."

Later that night Josh was saying prayers with her when she decided to branch out and pray on her own. Normally they say roughly the same prayer each night with him starting and her repeating, but this night she threw a bit of a curve ball. She prayed, "God, please let Mommy and Daddy die really soon! Amen."
Obviously Josh was a bit freaked. He had not been privy to the conversation she and I had in the car and was, to say the least, concerned over Cecilia's recent desire to see our imminent demise.

I hope she maintains this eager desire for Heaven through her whole life, and that Gareth and Audrey grow excited about it as well. I remember when I was growing up I was not exactly thrilled over the whole idea of Heaven. It just seemed boring...Worshiping God all the live long day... ummmm-OK.
In college I read "The Sacred Romance" and the last chapter started opening my heart to how exciting our glorification will be. The authors talk about how Heaven will draw us into perfect intimacy with the Godhead and each other. They talk about how we will be united with beauty, and that being with our God will begin the greatest and most satisfying adventure we've ever known. Those things didn't sound boring, they sounded too good to be true.

That chapter coupled with C.S. Lewis's "The Great Divorce" and a simple line from a song,

"Curse-reversing Day of Jesus
When you finally seize my soul
Freedom from myself will be the
Sweetest rest I’ve ever known"

helped me understand what Paul meant when he wrote, "To live is Christ, to die IS GAIN." I love that Cecilia grasps this idea so naturally.

Why I Love my Friends...

2008-06-27T12:16:00.008-04:00

There are many reasons why I love each of my friends. But this week I want to highlight one of the reasons I love love love my friend Amanda.

I could say that I love Amanda because of how great she is with my kids or because of how sacrificial she is with her time. I could talk about how funny she is or how thoughtful. I could point out what a great sounding board she is with just the right amount of sympathy and challenge. I could talk about the many things I love about this great lady including that she is a GREAT teacher and has a deep heart for her students.

But this week the main reason I Love Amanda is because she introduced me to "SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE!"

Have you watched this amazing show? I mean really watched it. It is incredible. The dances that these kids learn and execute each week are diverse and difficult. And the most amazing part is that a good number of the dancers aren't "classical" dancers. They come from an assortment of backgrounds like Hip-hop and Latin. The things that they pull off blow my brain!
This week there was a Hip-hop dance that I LOVED! You should check it out below.
The first part of the video introduces you to the dancers, Chelsie & Mark and then they show the dance. I hope you love it as much as I did.

A few weeks ago there was another Hip-hop routine that was amazing as well. The video skips the intro section, but the story is about a man who gets called to the war and his wife's reaction.

Leading Small Group and Loving Every Minute of It!

2008-06-19T15:30:00.006-04:00

This summer I have the wonderful privilege of leading a Small Group Bible Study for ladies in my community. The study is on Tuesday nights at 6:30 at Grace Covenant Presbyterian and we are looking at different types of Psalms.

This week we kicked off the group by digging into Psalm One. God has been tickling my life with this psalm for a few months now, using it to feed my spirit and calling me to choose holiness and wisdom over laziness and my own understanding of life. I was wondering if there was anything else God could squeeze out for me during the Bible Study, and He did not disappoint!

The small group ranges from women in their early 20's to women who, let's just say, are in or past their 50's. This and other differences lead to some heated and exciting discussions. It was so much fun to hear how these different ladies read this Psalm--what drew their focus and questions, where they were convicted, and where they were blessed. We talked about being trees and if we were feeling very tree-like in our lives right now. We talked about how we delight in the Lord and how we can meditate in our relationship with Him. We talked about what it meant to be blessed, which took on such a deeper value when a woman battling cancer talked about God's blessing in her life. It was fun and full and deep and good.

I love talking about the God of the Bible with a group of women who love Him. I couldn't sleep that night when I got home. Not because I wasn't tired--frankly leading all these women was a bit of an exhausting task, but because I was so excited and thrilled that I got to be there when the Spirit showed up and led us to some cool things in the Word of God!

Personally, my butt got KICKED by one of my good friends. She made a great observation that in verse one the Psalmist takes us from walking with the wicked, to standing and then to sitting. This is a progression of investment--skirting sin, hanging out with sin and then just settling down with it...getting comfortable in sins living room, by sinking into a big comfy arm chair...ouch! This mirrors my own stupidity when it comes to bad choices. I'll allow myself to walk around with laziness or selfishness and it's no big deal. Then I'll just stop and hang out in my bad choices. That's not too bad either(I tell myself), but pretty soon I'm moving in with them and I've got serious problems on my hands! I need to cultivate better bud nipping!
I love that I serve a God who adores for us to be in community around His Word. And if you are reading this and are not involved in a Small Group Bible Study...GO GO GO & FIND ONE! It will feed you and your soul like nothing else!

A Walk Through Sam's or a Walk Through HELL?

2008-05-30T10:14:00.011-04:00

This is a long one, but I think well worth the effort.
Who knew a simple trip to Sam's Wholesell Club could produce so much stress that I would become dehydrated from the sweating!

I had all three kids and we needed to waste time before picking up Josh. I decided to take us to Sam's for lunch and some shopping. I love Sam's--mainly because they have HUGE carts that all the kids can fit into and you can get lunch for under $5. Out of the car, into the cart, into the store, over to the food counter--So far things are running smoothly. As we are waiting for our hot dogs Audrey starts getting fussy. By the time we sit down with our food she is screaming. This is where the sweating begins. Everyone is looking over at our table. I hope that if I leave her in her car seat she will drift off to sleep, but of course this time she doesn't. Cecilia and Gareth start fighting over the lemonade that they are "sharing" and Gareth keeps grabbing his hot dog and shoving it in his mouth (uncut hot dogs are one of the top choking hazards for toddlers). I pick up Audrey (to stop the hostile looks from our fellow dinners) and then can not cut up Gareth's hot dog. I put her back down and she screams like I broke one of her limbs while placing her back in her seat. At this point a nice grandmother comes over and offers to help. She holds Audrey's pacifier in and rocks her seat while I cut up food and forge a truce on the lemonade front.

Crisis averted. Audrey calms down, Gareth is eating, and Cecilia is happily drinking the lemonade. I thank the kind grandmother and start eating my lunch as she leaves. Cecilia and I finish and Audrey falls asleep. Gareth is still eating (it takes him a LONG time to eat) when Cecilia franticly looks up and says the dreaded, "I have to use the potty." She can not wait so I start cleaning up our table. Gareth notices that I'm throwing away things and looks at me frantically. He is only 2/3's the way done with his hot dog, so he starts grabbing food with both hands and shoving as much as he can into his mouth. His cheeks are puffy with food as I load him into the cart with Cecilia, who is now dancing in her seat because she is so close to an accident. I whisk us off, jogging with the cart into bathroom. We park in the corner just in time for Cecilia to make it into a stall and do her business.

Crisis averted. We are there only a few seconds of calm before someone in the bathroom flushes. The toilet flush sounds like the world is ending in a loud horrific bomb. The first flush wakes Audrey up, the second upsets her. But the next 14 flushes throw her back into a state of fury and she begins to scream again! Cecilia finishes up and we whisk out the bathroom. I'm hoping if I can get the cart moving quick enough then Audrey will go back to sleep-yet she continues to cry. Everyone is looking, most people we pass are commenting on how full my hands are, and Cecilia and Gareth are getting antsy. So now with the exercise and the spectators the sweating steps up a notch and Audrey is getting louder and angrier with each new row. I'm now at the far back corner of the store (farthest corner from the restroom with a cart full of groceries) when it occurs to me to check her diaper.

Bingo! Sure enough, her diaper is full of unspeakable evil. So at this point I decide not to go the restroom but just to roll to the corner of the store, lay down a blanket and change her right there. I get her out of her seat, lay her on the blanket and reach into the diaper bag for the wipes...of course they are not there. I put Audrey back into the cart and run over to get a box of wipes. I open them up, grab some wipes and set Audrey back up in the floor. The whole diaper takes 10 wipes to clean up. I charge through, get her changed and wipe my own forehead, which is now dripping with sweat, with the 11th wipe.

Crisis Averted. I take a huge sigh of relief. I stand up with Audrey and stretch out my sore back. Audrey starts calming and I tell myself the worst is over. Then I turn to look at our cart for the first time since I started changing the diaper-and OH MY GOODNESS! Gareth has found my wallet, opened it and he and Cecilia have spent the past 10 minutes emptying the entire contents of it--throwing everything into the air like confetti. There is a circle of business cards, credit cards and grocery cards, receipts and photos lying around the cart and Gareth is very pleased with himself.

I breath deeply in order to contain my rage as I pick up the aftermath of Gareth and Cecilia's ticker tape parade and head to the front of the store. I pay and load up the car. I fall into the driver's seat and sit quietly for a few minutes--thanking God for the gift of Jesus...because that trip through Sam's was enough to convince me I could not handle eternal damnation.

Gareth & Audrey

2008-04-17T15:21:00.002-04:00

Photos of our new Simmons

2008-04-10T13:52:00.009-04:00

Here she is! Audrey Dawn Simmons. Sorry for the long wait...it is amazing how much time it takes to hold and stare at a new baby. Thanks for all the calls and emails.
We don't have any photos of Gareth and Audrey yet, but he loves the new addition, and loves to sit next to her and point out that like him she uses pacifiers. He thinks that is hilarious along with most everything else she does. He is only slightly put out by the level of attention she needs, and seems along with Cecilia to be handling the transition well.

THE BABY IS HERE!

2008-04-04T19:45:00.003-04:00

She has finally arrived! Audrey Dawn Simmons was born today at 2:50 pm--April 4th. She was 9 pounds (yes that is big!) and she had some hair. They induced us at 10:30 and we only had to push for 20 minutes! Hallelujah!!

We named her after our dear sweet and sexy staff worker and friend--Dawn Everette Moore. We love you Dawnie!

More to come along with photos soon!

Notes From a Cowering Evangelist-- New Life

2008-03-29T16:30:00.015-04:00

Thanks to my dear friends-Jayme and Los- who took the kids last Wednesday, I was able to go and spend the day in retreat with the Lord. It was a good day to grab some quiet time with the Spirit & in the Word before the new baby descends upon us.
I started my day at a park and set my chair beside a calm stream that was full of ducks and geese. I was spending time that day dwelling on my thirst for God. I've not been very thirsty over the past month and want to grow in my desire for time with my heavenly Father as the baby comes and life gets hectic.
I opened up my Bible to Psalm One. It seemed fitting considering my setting. These verses stuck out to me:

"Blessed is he who's delight is in the Law of the Lord
and in this Law he meditates day and night.
He will be like a tree planted by the streams of water
which yields it's fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither--
Whatever he does prospers..."

I was sitting right next to some lovely trees that were, like the tree mentioned above, planted right on the water, yet they did not seem to be teeming with life as the Psalm suggests they should. They still seemed dead from the winter cold. There were no fruit or flowers, no leaves-nothing to communicate that there was actual life in those trees.
When I think about the journey God has been taking me on in the area of Evangelism and Witness I relate to what I saw in these trees. I have been trying to adhere to the wisdom of this scripture. I've been trying to delight in God's Word and meditate on what is has to say about Witness. I've been thinking about it often, reading about it and talking it over with others on the road. In light of this I want the promise that comes with this blessing; to be planted by a nourishing stream, to be productive at just the right moment, to have a long-lasting effect. But for now I feel like these trees looked; Dead.
Maybe winter was too long or too severe. Maybe my root system doesn't really meet the water's edge and I'm missing all that life-giving water. Or what I really fear is that I'm just too dead. I'm too broken on the inside to fully be the kind of tree I dream of. Maybe the abundant life of witness and walking with the Spirit in unity and purpose is only for those who are more faithful, more holy, more something... but not me.
As I sat there and confessed this fear to God I waited for Him to speak to my heart. He called me to see those trees with His eyes--to see past the physical and obvious. To see into the tree itself, where life is teeming and brimming close to the surface. Nothing can be seen from the outside yet things are happening. Groundwork is being laid. The soil and water is strengthening. The Sun is feeding and warming. Life is just below the surface preparing to explode out in a dramatic display of color and joy when the moment is just right.
God called me to look closer at myself as well. I am not dead nor I am too broken! The Spirit has not yet chosen to grow obvious, physical fruit in this area of my discipleship, but He is strengthening me, nourishing me, teaching me and giving me a passion and a vision. He is giving me a deep calling and promises an inheritance among the nations.
So, I will put my trust in the good and faithful Gardener who tends the vine and promises me a good and hearty season, and I will be patient for when that season joyfully arrives.

Mind-Bending Quote of the Day

2008-03-26T16:33:00.004-04:00

When I say, "I am not afraid to fail," it makes me cringe. Of course I am afraid. I will continue to experience embarrassment and to believe that I've done things inappropriately. I'm certain I will hurt again, both when I give and when I receive. But when I change "I am not afraid to fail" to "I am fearless of failure"--aha! Now I can tap into the eternal plan and live in light of the great beyond. In Christ, I can be fearless of failure because not only is there no fear in him, there is no failing. He is always successful, and he turns my stumbling into his victory. I am fearless of failure because my blunders have no power, no meaning. Christ's victory has meaning and power. My failings exist; they are real, but they define neither me nor Christ. My failings can be forgiven and redeemed. So I risk being a creative instrument of Christ. It's worth it.

Alice Bass

The Creative Live: A Workbook for Unearthing the Christian Imagination

The Underbelly of Being Pregers-Just Leave Me the Crap Alone!

2008-03-17T12:20:00.013-04:00

There are many things I don't like about being pregnant, but by far my least favorite thing is how the pregnancy seems to put a big sign over my head that reads,
"Hey I'm Pregnant--TALK TO ME!"
Anytime I go out I am accosted by perfect strangers wondering things about me that are, frankly, none of their business: when I'm due, the sex of the baby, what names we're thinking about. I wish I had the nerve to stick it to these people and say in a very offended voice that I'm not pregnant, but I always chicken out. I've even had some women come over and rub my belly in the middle of Target! But the worst was when I was pregnant with Cecilia and a man came over, thumped me on the tummy and said, "Yep! Sounds ripe to me!"
Once, when I was pregnant with Gareth, a woman walked over to our table at Fuddrucker's and asked when I was due. On this particular night Cecilia had been a beast! She didn't feel great and had spent much of the meal acting out and crying. Josh finally had to take her out to the car to discipline her. It was his exit that prompted this woman's advance. "When are you due?" She asked. I had seen her paying attention to us while we were eating and knew she was coming over to chat. I took an inward sigh, plastered a polite smile on my face and replied, "The end of the September." Her eyes widen and she said, "Oh well, that little one you have now is in for a RUDE awakening when that baby comes." And then she stood there and waited for me to respond to her idiotic comment. I looked at her like she had lost her senses, scoffed and left the restaurant. I've never been angrier driving home from dinner.
But the most obnoxious of these offenders are the women (mostly at checkout counters) who ask when I'm due and then after my response let their eyes get big and round and say, "WOW! Are you having twins." or "4 more weeks! You look ready to explode!" This happens at least 3 times a week.
How can people think this is appropriate or helpful. Do they think they are making me feel better about myself? Do they think that it is easy to keep the crazy under control when you are this huge, this pregnant, and this hormonal. Sigh. I just want people to leave me alone or ask me other questions about myself. I am more than just a baby warmer/grower, right? There is a human being under all this water and weight? Maybe? Just leave us pregers alone. Odds are we don't want to talk to you!

Notes from a Cowering Evangelist: Fish & Loaves

2008-03-11T17:28:00.009-04:00

I spent the afternoon looking at Mark 6 where Jesus feeds the 5,000+. I was struck by Christ's conversation with the disciples. When they tell him to send away the people because everyone needed to eat, Jesus says, "You give them something to eat." Flabbergasted the disciples point Christ to the fact that they don't have the resources to feed everyone. Jesus' response was, "Bring what you do have to me." And what did they have--only two fish and five loaves, and the result was that ALL were satisfied.

When I think about sharing the gospel with non-Christians I often wish I had a better set of gifts. I wish I was comfortable just bringing up Jesus with strangers at Cafe Gouda. I wish I had a natural passion that was always at the forefront of my brain. Mainly, I wish my life was less difficult. With one car, three kids (soon enough), a job, a full schedule for both Josh and I, time spent trying to build relationship with other families in our church and the time Josh and I spend serving at church, I struggle to see where in my week I would even be out of my house long enough to meet someone who didn't know Jesus.

But I need to stop wishing for a life that I see as ideal. I need to stop whining about not having enough time and take what I have to Christ and let Him do something with it. I need to ask the Spirit daily to take the two hours and five minute I have outside the house on a given day or week and lead me into divine appointments.

God--give me an in your face passion for the lost and use the gifts and personality You blessed me with to connect with those who are longing to know You. Help me be creative in seeing where in my life I can make more space for building relationships with the lost.

Take these meager fish and loaves and bring satisfaction to Hickory and the world.

The Underbelly of Being Pregers

2008-03-07T03:48:00.004-05:00

One of the worst side affects of my pregnancies is that by the end I start having disturbing dreams and nightmares a few times a week. If you notice when I'm posting this you will see that I am up in the middle of the night, because tonight it was a full out horrific nightmare that left me unable to sleep. I won't go into detail this time (smile--see the post "Notes from a Cowering Evangelist: A Nightmare"), but needless to say I am pretty frustrated. I try to wake Josh up on the really bad nights, but he barely stirs enough to say dreamily, "Oh, honey (yawn) I'm so sorry." As he rolls over and goes back off to blissful sleep. So between the dreaming and waking up a few times to use the bathroom and the back pain, it is no wonder that I feel the need to take two naps a day.

If I were a bit more spiritual I would probably see how the Lord is moving toward me in this place of extreme exhaustion. I would relish the quite and solitude time to spend in the Word or in meditative prayer, but instead I think I'll just continue my Agatha Christie novel. Go Miss Marple, Go! Or I could catch up on that America's Next Top Model Marathon I DVRed. Which one shall I choose?

Boning up on White Culture

2008-02-28T11:36:00.004-05:00

Thanks to my sweet friend Allison who just emailed me this blog address...

http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com/

It is hilarious and worth checking out. We all need to understand our white culture a little better.
Any guesses on which of our friends embody the blog the most--there was a clear winner in my mind!

I would encourage you to check out these posts specifically:
#74 Oscar Parties
#67 Standing Still @ Concerts
#63 Expensive Sandwiches (I'm posting from Cafe Gouda)
#55 Apologies
#47 Arts Degrees (Can I get a woo-woo from the UNCA Alums)
#42 Sushi
#40 Apple Products
#38 Arrested Development
#29 80's Night
#28 Not Having TV
#23 Micro Brews
#9 Making You Feel Bad about not Going Outside
#1 Coffee (oh Joshua, sweet Joshua!)

Silly Cecilia Moments

2008-02-11T07:58:00.000-05:00

Cecilia is excited about the new baby. Lately this has translated into her assuming that everyone in her life is having a baby. Her friends (who are 4 years old), my friends, her grandmothers and other family members. She will walk up to these women, gasp and then touch their tummy's and say, "OH! You're going to have a baby. There's a baby in there!" Not the thing most women want to hear.

At least three times we have been playing together when she said, "(gasp) MOM! Did you hear that?"
I stop doing whatever I'm doing, and listen. Hearing nothing I reply, "Hear what, Cecilia?"
"You didn't hear that Mommy? OH!," as she starts to rub her tummy, "I'm going to have a baby!"

Notes From a Cowering Evangelist: A Nightmare

2008-02-02T09:53:00.000-05:00

We were on a boat in the middle of a lake. It was a peaceful, sunny dream. Suddenly, things turn gray and I'm in the water. It's hard to move because of the pregnancy and as I tread water I turn back toward the boat to see my kids moving toward the edge. Cecilia takes the first step off the boat. She hits the water as I lunge to grab her. I catch her and pull her up just as Gareth stumbles and falls into the lake. Holding on to Cecilia I lumber toward Gareth. I see him sinking underneath the water and get to him just in time to grab his shirt before he disappears, but as I grab him I lose my grip on Cecilia and she begins to sink downward. This happens over and over--each time I get one child safe the other slips out of my hold. The last time I reach for Cecilia I'm only able to grab a few strains of her hair. I beg God to let her hair hold as I pull her toward me... then I wake up.

That morning I spent time reading Paul's greeting in Romans 1. I was struck by the passion of Paul's language when he is talking about his brothers and sisters in Rome. His thankfulness for their faith, his praying for them constantly, his longing to come and help them draw deeper into their passion for Christ. Paul seems to understand the urgency and importance of people coming to faith in Christ and maturing in that faith. He has a clear understanding of the state of the world and a vision for what the world needs. And that is what motivates his passion.
As I began journaling the Spirit merged my thoughts about Paul's passion with my nightmare. It was as though Paul saw the world in terms of that lake and when presented with people sinking and drowning in brokenness, sin and death his only response was to dive in with his whole life.
I don't hesitate to jump in when it is my kids who are threatened. I might even get wet if a close friend is floundering. For the most part though, while Paul could be hired as a professional lifeguard, I'm over on the dock sticking my toe in the water to test out the temperature.
My lack of passion is in part a vision problem. I don't see the world in these terms. I don't understand fully what is at stake. Holy Spirit, open the eyes of my heart to who is drowning, and move me enough to dive in.

In Honor of GroundHog Day

2008-01-30T21:30:00.000-05:00

Here are some Halloween photos. We were in PA with some friends. Cecilia was Snow White (I made her cloak) and Gareth was a lion. She had a much better time than he did, but they both enjoyed most of the trick-or-treating. For a few of the homeowners Gareth gave them a little roar. Both the kids got over two buckets of candy. We still have candy in the house.

Notes From a Cowering Evangelist

2008-01-29T16:43:00.000-05:00

"Hello, my name's Lee and I'm ashamed of the gospel."
"Hello Lee."

The area of witness has always been a great source of shame for me. I've never had great evangelistic moments and I rarely feel an overwhelming desire to share my faith. Most of my conversations with non-Christians come out of a sense of duty more than a response to what God is doing in my life.
Paul's words in Romans 1 floor me--"I am not ashamed of the gospel because it is the power of God that brings salvation to everyone who believes." So is my lack of passion for the lost an issue of shame? NOOOOO! I just never seem to be in random situations where Jesus comes up. Plus my evangelistic style is "interpersonal" so those crazy on-the-spot conversational moments just aren't my thing.
In the end, my meager, fear-based excuses for not making time to meet non-Christians or for ignoring moments when I felt like I should approach someone are more about my apathy toward what God has done in and for the world.
So I'm committing this year to grow in passion and boldness toward the lost around me. Josh and I are reading Re-Imagining Evangelism together and (we hope) with some friends. I'm praying that the Spirit will awaken me to what He is doing in those around me, and I'm trying to think about how I can get outside my house and my small group of friends in order to meet people who need to talk about Jesus. I would love for you to join me in praying that God unlocks my passion to see others come to Him.

Mind-Bending Quote of the Day

2008-01-29T16:13:00.000-05:00

"Abraham Lincoln had it right. Our task should not be to invoke religion and the name of God by claiming God's blessing and endorsement for all our national policies and practices--saying, in effect, that God is on our side. Rather, Lincoln said, we should pray and worry earnestly whether we are on God's side.
"Those are the two ways that religion has been brought into public life in American history. The first way--God on our side--leads inevitably to triumphalism, self-righteousness, bad theology, and, often, dangerous foreign policy. The second way--asking if we are on God's side--leads to much healthier things, namely, penitence and repentance, humility, reflection, and even accountability. We need much more of all these, because these are often the missing values of politics."

Jim Wallis
God's Politics: Why the Right Gets It Wrong and the Left Doesn't Get it

A Sweet Heart Makes Throwing Up a Bit Better

2008-01-25T19:42:00.000-05:00

Our Family has been sick with a stomach bug over the last week. Gareth started throwing up first, then Josh, then my sister, Joy, and finally last night I started feeling gross around 9. Sure enough, just after 1 a.m. I woke up and spent much of the night on the bathroom floor.
This morning I was lying in bed drained and achy when Cecilia woke up and came into our room to see if we were awake and to say good morning.
"Good morning Cecilia" I replied, "Mom doesn't feel well this morning. I'm sick. I've been throwing up all night."
When she heard this she instantly got this look of concern on her face and said, "OH NO Mommy! You need me to tickle your back. That will make you feel better." And with that she climbed up in the bed with me and tickled my back for two to three minutes.
Later in the day when I was able to get up and come into the living room for a while, Cecilia asked me how I felt and then came over to feel if I had a fever. With her little hand on my forehand she said dramatically, "OH YES! You do have a fever! Oh no!" Then she gave me a kiss on my forehead.
Our daughter's sweet heart made my sick day much more bearable.

A Picture of Cecilia and I at Natural Bridge, VA

Our Cecilia is Building Her Mommy's Confidence...

2008-01-23T20:55:00.001-05:00

It's no secret that Cecilia prefers Josh to everyone, including me. Over Christmas we told several funny stories to our family and friends about Cecilia declaring her adoration for her Daddy. Cecilia heard us tell these stories over and over and would laugh with everyone.
Toward the end of the holidays we visited my sister in Raleigh where we told the stories one more time. This time our friends asked me if her preference for Josh was hard for me.
To be honest it used to deeply bother me when Cecilia so obviously favored Josh. I felt like her favor for Josh meant that I wasn't a great mom. I resented her (and him) for wanting Josh to comfort her and wanting him to put her to bed. Kids are suppose to want their moms for stuff like that. But lately I've realized that there will be times in the life of our family when my kids do prefer me to Josh and times when they prefer him again, and maybe times when they don't prefer either of us (Josh and I constantly pray against this). It is great for both Josh and Cecilia to have this time in their relationship. Especially considering how troublesome later years might be for them...How many of our dad's lost their footing in the midst of our teen aged angst?
Anyway this is what I told our friends when they asked how I took Cecilia's worship of her father. Unbeknownst to us Cecilia had crawled out of bed and was listening to this explanation at the top of the stairs. We didn't think anything about it and sent her back to bed.
The next morning we were all eating breakfast together. I was reading why Time named Putin Man-of-the-Year when Cecilia, in a serious tone said, "I do love you, Mommy."
I looked up from my magazine a little confused and said, "Oh sweety, I love you too!" and glanced at Josh who also seemed a little lost at Cecilia's declaration.
"NO Mommy! I Love You! Your my favorite too! Not just Daddy!" She had this earnest look on her face as she spoke.
All the sudden it dawned on me what she was saying. She wanted me to know that in her heart she loved me as much as she loved her Dad and that while she may seemingly need Josh for more things, she did not prefer him to me. I started to cry and said something silly. I looked down into my Cinnamon Life cereal and tried to compose myself.
Now when I say goodbye to her I'll say, "Honey, I'll miss you." She replies back to me, "Oh, I'll miss you, Mommy, because you're my favorite too."
If only Simon and Garfunkel had known my sweet Cecilia...I think the song would have been different.

Gareth Gets a Big Boy Haircut!

2008-01-17T22:09:00.000-05:00

We waited until Cecilia was 3 before we got her first haircut. Gareth's first trip to get quaffed was much different!
All in all I think Gareth did great. It took about 11 minutes (I edited the video) and the barber was AMAZING! Josh has been going to that barber shop since his first haircut, and Dennis has been cutting his hair for over 10 years. It took a few weeks for us to schedule an appointment, but I'm so glad we waited to take Gareth to Dennis. He was wonderful!
Gareth's makeover was certainly needed, and I think it makes him look much more professional; a force to reckoned with. He went from looking a bit goofy to appearing like he was about to mastermind a hostel take over. Big Boy territory here we come.

2008-01-16T20:51:00.000-05:00

I HATE COMPUTERS!!!!
Nothing is more frustrating than spending 10+ hours on something and still not having it work! GRRRRR!

Crazy Hungry Pregnant Woman causes EXPLOSION!!

2008-01-15T14:21:00.000-05:00

Leaving Church is never easy. I forget to take a snack to church and by the time we make our way to the car at 12:45 I'm starving and quite irrational. Cecilia is sobbing because she does not want to leave the extroverted gorge feast that is church. Gareth is discontent because he hates crowds and people freak him out. We shut the doors of our car with a sigh of relief and then the conversation inevitably turns to LUNCH!

Here is what I'm thinking-- "FOOD FOOD FOOD!!!! I need Food!" So I suggest we eat out. The thought of going home and fixing something is too much for my pregnant brain to handle. We can go somewhere cheap or share, but I need to go out.

Here is what I think Josh is thinking--"FOOTBALL. MONEY. FOOTBALL. MONEY." Playoffs are in full swing and my husband loves nothing more than the glory of watching the best teams of the league battle it out on their quest for super bowl glory. He also knows that we don't have the money to eat out, even cheaply.

So what happens? EXPLOSION!!! He tries to compromise. HUNGRY!! I shut down. He tries harder. Unable to think straight I stop talking and I roll my eyes (eek). He gets mean (double eek). We go home. I move into silence (I hate this about myself). Josh moves into absolute frustration and gets meaner (something he hates about himself). I cry. He leaves the room.

Suddenly the Spirit breaks through all the flesh. A clean and fresh wind enters our conversation. The cross grips us both and we are able to communicate what is really going on underneath the guise of food and football. Josh felt deeply disrespected (the eye roll). I felt uncared for and abused (the mean words). I was waiting for Josh to earn my respect before I gave it to him, he was waiting for me to act like a woman worthy of love before he moved in compassion toward me. FLESH!

God reminded us both that we are called to love and respect each other not because our spouse has earned those things but because our God has earned them. I worship a God who has earned my respect and so calls me to give respect to my husband. When I don't, regardless of how Josh is treating me, I sin. Josh knows a God that deserves all the love and compassion he can give, and God calls Josh to give that love to his wife. When he doesn't, he sins.

We confessed to each other and God. We ate lunch and watched football. We moved toward each other because God made it possible for us to do so.

Praise be to the God who breaks through our flesh and sin!