A Brat's Lament

I am a brat in my deepest self. The urban dictionary’s definition for brat… “Derogatory term for a spoilt person. Originally applied to small children and John MacEnroe.” I don’t know what it is about me: is it because I’m American? Is it because of my temperament? Is it because growing up I thought the goal of faith in Christ was being a good girl and then getting just what I wanted? I don’t know what is at the root of my spoilt-ness, but I know when it most clearly comes out.

Recently life has gotten harder for me. Through some conflict with people I love everything seems to have been stirred up and I wonder if it will ever be peaceful again. I was spending some time journaling about it and I began to hear God say, “Lee, come to me! Depend on me. That is what this upheaval will do. It makes you need Me in more ways. It will make you depend on me for your very life.”

My reaction to this loving call…Anger, frustration and withdrawal. I just want this area of my life to be easy, to fit the dream I have for it. I just want this area to work. I don’t want to be sharpened or pruned here. I just want ease and comfort. I just want Him to leave me alone.
Hopefully you hear the entitlement of this position. God I have a right to remain in control of certain areas of my life. God, I appreciate the way you have brought great life and wholeness to my ministry, my marriage, my parenting, (all of this life brought about by similar struggles) but THIS is off limits. God I need some space!

I’ve been reading the book, “Sacred Marriage”, and while it is speaking in great ways to my relationship with Josh, it is doing more for my relationship with God and others. In the chapter entitled “Sacred Struggle” this quote dug into my heart,
“[Christians] have it so easy that we can begin to be lulled to sleep, thinking that life should be easy or that it will always be easy. Once it gets a little difficult, we tend to become consumed with trying to make our lives comfortable again. But by doing so we miss a great spiritual opportunity. …Ask yourself this question: Would I rather live a life of ease and comfort and remain immature in Christ, or am I willing to be seasoned with suffering if by doing so I am conformed to the image of Christ?...”

So what is God’s response to my bratty need to be left alone? Like the mom in the movie Spanglish when confronted with her own tween daughter’s demand for space, she moves even closer to her sweet child and declares, “There is NOT a space between us.” God’s call to me is one of infinite intimacy and love. Being close to Him is not easy but it is life giving and whole. Being close to Him is not set by my agenda but by His, and He knows me best. He knows what I’m ready for, and what I need freedom from. Thankfully He grabs my bratty heart and bear hugs it into Himself leaving only space for redemption out of my bratty self-entitled flesh into the perfect life of His Son. Praise be to God!