Pondering The Curse of Parenting.

This morning we were listening to music while eating our weekly pancake breakfast. My favorite Avett Brother's song came on and Joshua and Cecilia started dancing. For some reason Cecilia said, "I can't wait until I grow up and have kids." I smiled and automatically answered, "Cecilia you are going to be a good mom" but then I paused and clarified, "Well...if you follow God you'll be a great mom! If you don't you'll just consume your kids." Cecilia barely heard me as she concentrated on her wild twirling, Joshua looked at me (as he does often) with a smile and shake of his head.

Let me back up to Monday.

On Monday I spent some time in Duet. 28, looking at blessings and curses. Moses is telling the people of Israel that if they stay close to God, following His instruction, then they will be blessed. If they wander from God & disobey His commands, they will be cursed. The blessings are great! The curses are beyond your imagination HORRIBLE! Here's a look at one of the curses...

The most gentle and sensitive woman among you—so sensitive and gentle that she would not venture to touch the ground with the sole of her foot—will begrudge the husband she loves and her own son or daughter the afterbirth from her womb and the children she bears. For in her dire need she intends to eat them secretly because of the suffering your enemy will inflict on you during the siege of your cities. (vs 56-57)

WHAT!

And if you dudes are thinking that you are off the hook...I just didn't include your part. Look at verses 54-55.

Needless to say this section kicked me in the face and punched me in the gut. The whole cursing section (vs. 15-68) was too much for my gentle and sensitive sensibilities. And I found myself annoyed, upset and nauseous.

Two ponderings swam to the service of my conflicted thoughts.

1. A good God warns me that I have the capacity for great horrors.
2. Left to myself, to my own parenting, I will consume my kids. Maybe not by eating them (hopefully not), but consume them none the less. And it is only through the miraculous work of Christ in my life that these precious little ones are safe from their frightful mom.
   

I'll unpack some of this in the next few posts, in an effort to keep my posts from being ridiculously too long.

And for those of you who are wondering-my favorite Avett Brother's Song is Swept Away (the Sentimental version) which they sing with their sister, Bonnie. Here is a live sampling. If you want to listen to the recorded version it is on their "Mignonette" Album. If you don't like/listen to the Avett's then I would encourage you to step out of your musical cursing and into the musical blessing that is being an Avett Brothers fan. Thanks Brooke for teaching me to live in light. Smile.

Take Seven: Is 7 the Number of Completion?

The last day.

Or at least the last day of my commitment. The question is will I keep it tomorrow, next week and through out 2011.

This morning I set the alarm again for 6. It went off, I woke up. I turned it off and had a minute of indecisiveness. The moment when the desire to snooze in my nice warm bed was about to win over the desire to get up and meet with God, Audrey needed to go to the potty.

What alternative did I have. I took Audrey to the potty, helped her find her tooter (what we call a pacifier), tucked her into bed with a little prayer (at her request) and headed for my little uncomfortable chair. Thank you Audrey!

My time this morning was good. I was able to focus for the most part, and apart from Gareth venturing in to snuggle with me in my little chair, the kids let me have time to my prayers. During my breathing and proclaiming Christ's name, I did feel the Spirit draw to my mind to one particular family, and so I spent my time saying Jesus for them, for their kids and for the hard things they are walking through.

I'm a little sad that my last day wasn't funny or dramatic in some way, but I guess that is to be expected. The more this practicing becomes a habit that leads to a discipline, the less crazy will show up, and the more I'll use the word "good" to describe my quiet prayer time. The more I regularly get up and get in my little chair, the more the kids will understand, "Oh, Mom's praying, let's wait." or maybe even, "Oh I can sense in my soul that one of my adults are awake, but it is probably mom, and she is just sitting in that uncomfortable chair. No fun is being missed out on." And then they will roll over and go back to sleep. (one can dream).

I still don't know if I'm sold about this simple praying. Spending a tiny chunk of everyday sitting quietly, saying Jesus. Maybe I'll spend time with God today and post on what I've learned this week. Maybe I won't (smile).

Thanks for reading.

Take Six: Bread and Floods

This morning I was on my own. Josh was out of town last night for a conference.

BOO!

I learned my lesson from yesterday, and set the alarm. I thought 6 would be a good. For a small window of undisturbed time, I would have to silently, in the shroud of darkness slide out of my bed and tip-toe to my little uncomfortable chair. But even then I didn't have much hope of the kids sleeping through my "quiet prayer" time.

And I was right. After I had been praying 5-7 minutes. I heard the bathroom door creep open and little feet head into the bathroom. I thought, "Well that is that. I'll have to finish this prayer as I'm dealing with them or postpone it and get back to it later in the day." But then, the craziest thing happened. All of them got up, but none of them needed me. Each went to the bathroom on their own. Turn the lights on by themselves. And played quietly together while I spent time breathing and saying the name of my wonderful LORD. He provided for me this morning. He met a big need. He got me up, and then He gave me the space to meet Him.

Who knew He could actually make space happen?

During my praying something new came up as well. As I was praying...Breathe in, Jesus. Breathe out, Jesus. I began to experience the prayer in a new way. When I would breathe in and say Jesus, I would imagine taking the word into my heart and body as I took the breathe in. I thought about how the breathe came into my being and nourished me, and how the name of Christ came in and nourished me as well. Almost like delicious bread or a needed embrace, I imaged the name of Jesus coming my body and soul and healing me.

When I would exhale, I starting thinking about how the name of Jesus goes out into the world and renews it. As I breathed out and said Jesus, I imagined His name washing over Hickory and our nation, filling in the hurt and broken spaces where sin has ravaged lives. I thought about my home and my family, and breathed out His name for them. I thought about campuses and InterVarsity staff I love and breathed out for them. I thought about others who need Christ to embrace them, who need healing and grace and breathed out for them. I ended my time thinking about myself, and I breathed out the name of Jesus for me.

It was a good morning. When time came around for me to finished, I found myself sad to be done.

It was a great morning.

Take Five: Linny, Tuck, and Ming-Ming too!

Well, I was waiting for it. I knew it would come. I did not pray this morning. I missed it.

I got in bed late and I got up late. I did not set the alarm. I ate yummy banana pancakes made by my husband. I had a great morning (and the late night before) catching up with my sweet friend Joe. I worked a puzzle with the kids. I took Cecilia to school, and made it to a meeting. Sigh. I missed time in quiet prayer.

I got home from my meetings around 2:30. I still wanted to meet with God in prayer, but I also wanted to snuggle with Audrey and Gareth. Surely I don't have to choose. How can I merge the two. Then a brilliant idea washes over me.

Wonder Pets!

I'll turn on Wonder Pets (for those of you without little ones it is a kid show on Nickelodeon) and while they watch that and snuggle with me, I'll practice my quiet prayer. GENIUS!

So how did it go you're wondering?

I won't say it was a prayer FAIL, but I won't say it worked either.

Breathe in, Jesus. Breathe out, Jesus. And quickly, I'm distracted by Ming-Ming's desperate need to succeed on her own, without the help of her team mates, Linny and Tuck. Listening to the inner turmoil of her musical soul, I realize that I am not going to be connecting with God. I'm too invested in the drama unfolding before me between a little duckling, hamster and turtle.

Lesson learned from today. While some distractions (like yesterday) can bring me closer to God. Most distractions are just that-DISTRACTING, and that is why I need a little uncomfortable chair to meet with God.

"You & I have need of the strongest spell that can be found to wake us from the evil enchantment of worldliness"-CSLewis. Thanks for the wise words Jack. Maybe tomorrow I'll heed your advice.

Take Four: Fears Realized

Monday: 6:30 AM

This morning went well. I got up early and no one was awake. I wanted to try and pray before the little ones and Joshua were up to see how it would go. Yesterday I realized that I was approaching this time of prayer from a fairly self-focused posture. Almost with an attitude of, "It's my RIGHT to pray undisturbed." I think throughout yesterday God drew out this gunky stance and called me to confess it and repent.

The whole reason I'm practicing this prayer to begin with, is to know God more fully in my home life. To see Him plainly in the mommy, wife, and homemaker moments. So the fact that I was expecting to have 20 minutes to myself, was somewhat missing the point. Don't get me wrong. It is good for Joshua to make space for me to meet the Lord, and he does. But my heart was in the wrong place. I was coming to the 20 minutes at no real cost to myself and only at a cost to him and my kids. I was starting my time in prayer after they all got up. I was annoyed when they would be loud in the house or when they would distract me. I was not practicing the discipline well. I was getting the outward details right, but I was getting the inward pursuit all wrong.

So I tried something new. I got up first. I tried to take the cost onto myself, and my worst fear was realized. I settled into my chair. I started praying. Breathe in, Jesus. Breathe out, Jesus. About 5 minutes of quiet went by. I was moving into a rhythm, when Audrey came to our door and started crying.

My first thoughts were, "Of course she is up! I can't get up early enough to get time alone...Give it 20 seconds and Joshua will get up and take care of this, and I can go on with my holy pursuit of praying the name of my Savior." But luckily, God broke through that blasphemous thought with a thought of His own, "OR, you could get up and pray my name while you serve your daughter and your husband." ouch!

"Serving them is not an inconvenience, Lee. It's an opportunity."

So, I got up and moved toward Audrey with a gentler heart. Breathe in, Jesus. Breathe out, Jesus. I took her by the hand and humbly led her back to bed. Breathe in, Jesus. Breathe out, Jesus. I helped her find her pacifier and tucked her into her warm covers. Breathe in, Jesus. Breathe out, Jesus. And on my way out of the room, back to my little cold uncomfortable chair, I got an invitation. I turned around and knelt by her bed and held her hand. Breathe in, Jesus. Breathe out, Jesus. Breathe in, Jesus. Breathe out Jesus. And I met Him.

Audrey wasn't the interruption that I feared. She was not a distraction. Her need of me did not derail intimacy with my LORD this morning. It was the catalyst that God used to draw me right into His presence, kneeling by her bed.

Thanks be to God!

Take Three: A Wondering Robot

Day Three of my Seven day commitment, and it is Sunday. From the full place I ended my prayer yesterday, I am excited to try this quiet praying again.

6:30-I wake up. I don't know if you have ever woken up and felt or even known that God woke you up for a purpose, but this was one of those times. It was an invitation for me to join Him. An invitation to connect with Him in this quiet place of prayer. An invitation that I ignored.

I looked at the clock and thought, "God, this breathe prayer thing will be just as awesome in about an hour." And I rolled over and went back to sleep.

When I did get up about 30 minutes later the kids were in the bath and Joshua was getting them clean for church. I found them all clothes, grabbed my journal and a Diet Coke, and went back into my room.

Into my "uncomfortable" chair, a few deep breathes to relax and find the rhythm. Breathe in, Jesus. Breathe out, Jesus. Breathe in, Jesus. Breathe out, Jesus. And so it went for about 20 minutes. No funny stories this morning. No real insights either, except that it felt stale and mechanic. This is the first time where I've practiced this type of prayer that it felt like a formula. Breathe in, [WORD/PHRASE]. Breathe out, [WORD/PHRASE].

You would expect that I would be feeling discouraged from my time, but I don't. Even in the moments of my praying like a robot, I felt my heart (or maybe the Spirit) comfort me. "Don't worry Lee. This is part of it. The practice, the discipline, the skill learning. This will lead to better things. Press on with hope, and keep up the breathing."

Two "I wonders"

1. I wonder what would have happened if I had gotten up when I was awoken the first time? I wonder if my time would have been different it I had not treated God's gracious invitation like a suggestion that I could tweek to my own schedule? Sigh, but as C.S. Lewis reminds us in "The Voyage of the 'Dawn Treader,'" "We are never told what might have been." I'm sorry God!

2. On this third day of prayer I noticed that I've only started praying after the kids are up, which puts some (or all) of the burden of my taking 20 minutes to pray onto Joshua. He doesn't mind. He is great. But I am starting to wonder if I am going about this wrong? If I need to make more of an effort to try and beat the kids up, or carve out another part of the day where it would not fall solely on him to manage the little ones while I pray? Maybe this is the best way, but maybe there is a better one, and I need to spend some creative time considering it. Any ideas out there? Things you have tried?

Take Two: Setting the Alarm

Saturday AM-6:40. "Quiet Prayer" take two.

I didn't set my alarm to get up to pray-the little ones are up between 6:30-6:40 every day, and they didn't let me down this morning. At 6:40 there was a LOUD slamming of Gareth's door 3 times in a row followed by Audrey's belly laugh, and Joshua's admonishments.

Ok! I'm "ready" to spend another 20 minutes praying the name of Christ over and over. Yesterday I prayed in my bed, and the lesson I learned from that was my bed is warm and cozy! So I decide to pray from under the covers again. About the moment I start to "breathe", Gareth and Audrey realize that I'm awake. How did they notice from the other room you ask? Who knows! They have a preternatural understanding of when adults have awoken from their nightly slumber. They crashed into the room & joined me on the bed. With both of them there, focusing on anything other than them is impossible. So I accept a temporary defeat and snuggle for a few moments.

Soon the aroma of Joshua's fabulous pancakes come stealing into the room, and just as quick as they cozy-ed up to me they head into the kitchen to cozy up to him for their breakfast. I get up and think that a few things will help me with focus on my quiet prayer. Hot shower, teeth brushed, Cecilia checked on (she had to get ready for a make-up day at school), and back in my room.

I have a great little chair that my mother-in-law gave me. It sits by a window in our room. It is the right amount of uncomfortable so I sit down and settle in. Deep breath and relax. Remember Lee, don't force it. That is how you almost passed out yesterday. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out naturally. Breathe in, Jesus. Breathe out, Jesus. Breathe in, Jesus. Breathe out, Jesus. The kids are quiet, and I settle into the rhythm.

The thing that struck me this morning was my tone. When I started out I was saying Jesus in my mind as a statement. A bland well known statement of truth (don't judge me). But as I continued through the 20 minutes, the way my mind and heart called out Christ's name changed. During some parts of the prayer I was saying Jesus like it was a plea, and other times like it was a question. A few times I found that I was saying a different word and I had not realized that I had switched. I made a note of the word in my journal and got back to the rhythm. And at least once there was some hostility, or maybe annoyance is a better word, behind the way I said His name. (eek)

Toward the end of the time I found that I was saying Jesus with a fullness that I had not started the prayer with. I could feel my heart delighting in His name. I could feel a change. It was faint, not complete, but is was good. I said His name with this full heart maybe 5 times when the alarm clock went off. BLAST!

I set the alarm so I would not be checking the clock every few minutes. Sigh. I did not think it would shut down such a sweet moment. But, it was good to get to where I did. It made me want to get back to it tomorrow or even later that day. I feel like I may have slightly tasted what it was like to have my heart lead my head in prayer. And I want more!

So tomorrow I won't set the alarm.

Warning: Prayer Can Cause Hyperventilation

I am reading a great book (that I'll talk more about in a later post), "Finding God at Home." The author encourages believers to start practicing "quiet prayer" everyday. This type of prayer is also called "breath prayer" and has been around for centuries. It is a form of prayer that you link to your breathing. So when you breath in, you pray a word or phrase and when you breath out, you pray another word or phrase. Over and over with the rhythm of your breathing.

Since I've been trying to grow in prayer and I think this dude is a GENIUS! I have committed to try and practice this way of prayer for a week, 7 days, and then think about a further commitment.

Here is my experience from day one:

Instruction from the book (in italics):"My first suggestion for [practicing the spirituality of the family] is with a prayer of quiet. For this, take a few minutes alone in a room where you will not be disturbed... hmmm...I am not sure this exists in my home. I am never alone, never undisturbed. Maybe under my bed, or in my closet. I ponder where I could go as I continue to read.

"The morning is the best, before beginning work..." hmmm, the AM around our house seems like the most disturbed part of our day. Everyone running around getting dressed, going to the potty, trying to play, brushing their hair, can't find their shoe. And I could try to get up before the little ones, but they can smell awakeness like sharks can smell blood in the water. The moment one adult foot hits the floor no matter what time it is, Gareth and Audrey are up and ready for the day to start. Any other suggestions?

"Other good times are at noon or in the early evening--or whenever you have a few moments to yourself..."Ok, so lunchtime or when we are doing homework/dinner prep...sigh...early morning it is. I'll just warn Josh that I'm going to try praying early in the AM and could he please keep the kids away for... how long does book suggest?...20 MINUTES! OK (sigh), for 20 minutes. Joshua is great in the AM. He can handle it!

"Take the phone of the hook..."No one is going to call at 6:40 in the morning so I'll skip this step.

"find a chair that is comfortable but not too comfortable"Would he consider the bed TOO comfortable? Ah well...the bed it is!

"close your eyes and take several slow, deep breaths to relax."Mmmmmm....relax....WAKE UP!

"Then slowly, without forcing it, begin to repeat a short prayer to yourself...For this prayer of quiet, the shorter the prayer, the better. A single word is ideal." I guess I'll go with Jesus. It is always the best answer, right? Jesus it is!

"Repeat your little prayer silently to yourself. Try repeating it each time you breathe in and again each time you breathe out.

Ok here we go. Breathe in, Jesus. Breathe out, Jesus. Breath in, Jesus. Breathe out, Jesus. Breath in, Jesus. (The door to our room opens) Breathe out, stay focused. (little steps come toward the bed) Breathe in, don't move. Breathe out, they will think I'm still asleep and will leave. (little breathing beside my bed, I can tell they are staring at me, I wonder which little breath it is, but I don't open my eyes) Breathe in, they are leaving. Breath out, what am I doing? OH YEAH! Breathe in, Jesus. Breath out. Jesus. Breathe in, Jesus. Breath out. (little steps again come into the room) Breathe in, Jesus. Breath out. (Little hands grab my arm and start to pull themselves up)

Breath in, OUCH! Breathe out, "Gareth, get the stool to get in mommy's bed, sweety." Breathe in, snuggle up to Gareth. Breathe out, Jesus. Breathe in. Breathe out, Jesus. Breathe in, Jesus. Breath out, doze off for a couple of minutes. Breathe in, WAKE UP. Breathe out, Jesus. Breathe in, Jesus. Breathe out. Breath in. Breathe out, Jesus. Breathe in, Jesus. Breathe out, "Mommy, when will all my teeth fall out?" Brea...WHAT?

The question is repeated. "Gareth are you asking when you will lose your front two teeth like Cecilia? You won't start losing your teeth until your 5 or 6." Breathe in, Gareth starts crying. Breathe out, Gareth decides to get up. Breathe in, breath out Jesus, breathe in. Jesus, Breathe out, Breathe out, Jesus...

And somewhere along the way I forgot how to breathe.

Long breathes in, a short one out. Someone yelling about having to go to school. Jesus. Trying to find a rhythm to my breath. Breath in, out, in, Jesus, out, Jesus...And then I am thinking so hard about how to breathe and when to say Jesus, and how much longer is 20 minutes that I can't seem to breathe at all. I quickly sit up in bed! Deep breath in. Deep breath out. Deep breath in. Deep breath out.

7:03

Jesus!

There is a reason that breath prayer takes years of practice. Hopefully I'll try again tomorrow.

Living Simply Isn't Just For Your Pocketbooks.

I have been pursuing prayer over the last months. By pursuing I mean that I've been trying to actually do it, and that I've been reading about it. I also have quizzed and questioned some people in my life that are PRAY-ERS!

One of the main ideas that keeps coming up is simplify. In Henri Nouwen's book, "The Way of the Heart" he encourages,

"In the context of our verbose culture it is significant to hear the Desert Fathers discouraging us from using too many words...This is a very helpful suggestion for us, people who depend so much on verbal ability. The quiet repetition of a single word can help us descend with the mind into the heart." (pg 80)

This seems like a good idea in both my mommy life and in my ministry one.

During my mommy days, I lack the energy to find the words to pray. I also lack the quiet. With Gareth spitting at Audrey. Audrey screaming at me. Cecilia stressing over her homework, and me trying to clean or cook or fold or not scream back...My day isn't really conducive to the praying that I'm use to-the praying with all the words.

On ministry days there is a different block to meeting the Lord in prayer. My own agenda. I spend a bulk of my ministry prayers laying out a great plan for the Lord. My ego...I mean, my words get in the way of me consistently hearing from the Lord, connecting to where He is going and what He is doing. I miss Him because I'm saying too much.

Simplify. Simplify. Simplify.

Nouwen and other smart pray-ers encourage me to pray only 5 words, or 2 or even (horrors) ONE! Over and over and over-until my heart is beating in rhythm to my prayer. Over and over and over-until the loudest tears and the best ideas can't derail my understanding of God's presence or His love. Over and over and over-until my prayer becomes as natural and as essential as my breathing.

Until I understand that saying the name of Jesus over and over is a blessing to my soul and not a waste of my time.

Until I feel the embrace and joy that prayer offers.

Until I, like Paul, can understand the fullness of a life that is lived in ceaseless prayer.

Tomorrow on the blog a warning:this type of Prayer could make you hyperventilate.