The Brat Returns: When Prayer is Hard

I have been spending time in the Psalms lately. There is a blog I check in on called MamaMonk. And she has a post about how she stays connected to God. I was challenged by her thoughts and have been trying out her connection plan.

This plan ran me right into Psalm 21 and right into a pocket of my heart that stays shoved out of sight-hidden from others, myself, and I like to pretend, God.

This Psalm is a happy one. Full of celebration and praise to the God who provides. Here is how it starts:

O Lord, the king rejoices in your strength.

How great is his joy in the victories you give!

You have granted him the desire of his heart 

and have not withheld the request of his lips.

As I continued to read about all God had done in the life of this king my heart became increasingly sad, and this part of myself that I ignore and stuff out of sight, started to surface and overwhelm me. 

There are two things that I've asked for over the past 10 years. Two things that God has seemingly ignored. I know this is bad theology, I know that I might not be asking for good stuff, or more correctly, the right stuff. But in the area of prayer and relationship this is a hard thing for me. I feel abandoned. I read these verses and scoff. This may be true for some, but not for me. 

This hidden saddness sucks the power and energy out of my prayer life. When I'm praying for others, this part of me is detached and distant from their needs. When I'm praying bold prayers, this pocket fears and sweats. When I'm pressing toward God with a full trust, there is this part of me that leans away,  a part that says, "What's the point of praying...He is just going to do what He wants."

I stayed here a few days-Annoyed, saddened and tired of ignoring this part of myself. 

Then I revisited Psalm 21, and things were different. I was still sad, but God showed up and as I read the verses (that days before had highlighted my unanswered need) this time through, God used them to remind me of all the prayers He has answered. He pressed close into this distant part of my heart and comforted my sadness in the areas still left unanswered. And He guided me to a verse I had overlooked days before-verse 6.

Surely You have granted him eternal blessings

and made him glad with the joy of Your Presence.

God has not answered all my prayers, and I will keep praying for these two things and more until He responses, but God has granted me the desire of my heart. He has given me Himself. He has made Himself fully present to me, and has clothed me with the righteousness of His Son so that I can be fully present to Him (hidden junk and all). And that fuels my prayers. That He is here, always here, close to me. And He is paying attention.