Notes From a Cowering Evangelist: A Nightmare

We were on a boat in the middle of a lake. It was a peaceful, sunny dream. Suddenly, things turn gray and I'm in the water. It's hard to move because of the pregnancy and as I tread water I turn back toward the boat to see my kids moving toward the edge. Cecilia takes the first step off the boat. She hits the water as I lunge to grab her. I catch her and pull her up just as Gareth stumbles and falls into the lake. Holding on to Cecilia I lumber toward Gareth. I see him sinking underneath the water and get to him just in time to grab his shirt before he disappears, but as I grab him I lose my grip on Cecilia and she begins to sink downward. This happens over and over--each time I get one child safe the other slips out of my hold. The last time I reach for Cecilia I'm only able to grab a few strains of her hair. I beg God to let her hair hold as I pull her toward me... then I wake up.

That morning I spent time reading Paul's greeting in Romans 1. I was struck by the passion of Paul's language when he is talking about his brothers and sisters in Rome. His thankfulness for their faith, his praying for them constantly, his longing to come and help them draw deeper into their passion for Christ. Paul seems to understand the urgency and importance of people coming to faith in Christ and maturing in that faith. He has a clear understanding of the state of the world and a vision for what the world needs. And that is what motivates his passion.
As I began journaling the Spirit merged my thoughts about Paul's passion with my nightmare. It was as though Paul saw the world in terms of that lake and when presented with people sinking and drowning in brokenness, sin and death his only response was to dive in with his whole life.
I don't hesitate to jump in when it is my kids who are threatened. I might even get wet if a close friend is floundering. For the most part though, while Paul could be hired as a professional lifeguard, I'm over on the dock sticking my toe in the water to test out the temperature.
My lack of passion is in part a vision problem. I don't see the world in these terms. I don't understand fully what is at stake. Holy Spirit, open the eyes of my heart to who is drowning, and move me enough to dive in.