Lent, Suffering, and giving my Husband the Silent Treatment

I'm taking a break from writing about fearing God to talk about silent suffering.

This week the sermon at my church was powerful.

My pastor (Dodd) spoke out of 1 Peter 2:18-25. His call to suffer as Christ suffered was challenging! But then he took it to a whole other place. He showed a clip from "The Passion of Christ." And not the "oh look, Jesus built a chair" clip, he choose the section where Jesus is getting beaten by the Roman soldiers.

Something powerful happened in me while I watched that clip. I was reminded of moments in my marriage over the past three weeks where Joshua wounded me, "wronged" me, and I was sickened at my response. Each of these acts, that I deemed un-loving, were varying degrees of silly and all of them small. Joshua has also confessed where he needed to and we have talked through each of them. But what I did in the moment is what the Lord used to overwhelm me.

I used each of these moments as an excuses to lash out and tell Joshua exactly what I thought of his "mistake." I spoke to him with hostile tones and careless words. To put it into simple language- I was disrespectful and un-submissive.

As I watched this clip of my wonderful Lord getting beaten, I was so shamed by His silence. I was so humbled by His restraint and control, by His ability to "entrust Himself to God who judges justly." (1 Peter 2:23). Here Christ was innocently beaten and He did not make sure that his attackers knew the mistake they were making. I was moved to tears and confession.

Somewhere along the way, I have convinced myself that if I am "wronged" I must take up the charge and defend myself. At some point, I put myself in charge of taking care of myself, especially when it comes to getting the marriage I want, the life I feel I deserve. But I'm not in charge of taking care of me. When I came into a relationship with God, I gave this right over to Him-My True Father, My True King.

But I still live much of my life in the gear of "it's up to me; I have to take care of myself." And when I hit into hard moment with Joshua or the kids or work, I don't know how to downshift into the more life giving gear of "it's up to God; He will have to take up my case." It normally takes a blowout fight to get me to call out to God for help. My disrespect is really a sign that I don't live for the kingdom of God, that I live for the kingdom of Lee. It reveals that in my heart I don't trust God fully with my whole life, and that I think I can take better care of life than He can.

Respecting others comes from a deep understanding that God, all Powerful and Good, will take up your case. That He is on the move in others and in the world, and that if we follow the dynamic and difficult example of our big brother Jesus, then He will be glorified and we will be taken care of-embraced into the fullness of God's pleasure and made like Christ.

So I need to learn to give Josh the silent treatment when I feel disrespect bubbling up. I need to learn to press into my Just Judge and let Him deal with how I am "wronged." And I need to learn to be like the Spirit and say only that which flows from my Father.