Take Four: Fears Realized

Monday: 6:30 AM

This morning went well. I got up early and no one was awake. I wanted to try and pray before the little ones and Joshua were up to see how it would go. Yesterday I realized that I was approaching this time of prayer from a fairly self-focused posture. Almost with an attitude of, "It's my RIGHT to pray undisturbed." I think throughout yesterday God drew out this gunky stance and called me to confess it and repent.

The whole reason I'm practicing this prayer to begin with, is to know God more fully in my home life. To see Him plainly in the mommy, wife, and homemaker moments. So the fact that I was expecting to have 20 minutes to myself, was somewhat missing the point. Don't get me wrong. It is good for Joshua to make space for me to meet the Lord, and he does. But my heart was in the wrong place. I was coming to the 20 minutes at no real cost to myself and only at a cost to him and my kids. I was starting my time in prayer after they all got up. I was annoyed when they would be loud in the house or when they would distract me. I was not practicing the discipline well. I was getting the outward details right, but I was getting the inward pursuit all wrong.

So I tried something new. I got up first. I tried to take the cost onto myself, and my worst fear was realized. I settled into my chair. I started praying. Breathe in, Jesus. Breathe out, Jesus. About 5 minutes of quiet went by. I was moving into a rhythm, when Audrey came to our door and started crying.

My first thoughts were, "Of course she is up! I can't get up early enough to get time alone...Give it 20 seconds and Joshua will get up and take care of this, and I can go on with my holy pursuit of praying the name of my Savior." But luckily, God broke through that blasphemous thought with a thought of His own, "OR, you could get up and pray my name while you serve your daughter and your husband." ouch!

"Serving them is not an inconvenience, Lee. It's an opportunity."

So, I got up and moved toward Audrey with a gentler heart. Breathe in, Jesus. Breathe out, Jesus. I took her by the hand and humbly led her back to bed. Breathe in, Jesus. Breathe out, Jesus. I helped her find her pacifier and tucked her into her warm covers. Breathe in, Jesus. Breathe out, Jesus. And on my way out of the room, back to my little cold uncomfortable chair, I got an invitation. I turned around and knelt by her bed and held her hand. Breathe in, Jesus. Breathe out, Jesus. Breathe in, Jesus. Breathe out Jesus. And I met Him.

Audrey wasn't the interruption that I feared. She was not a distraction. Her need of me did not derail intimacy with my LORD this morning. It was the catalyst that God used to draw me right into His presence, kneeling by her bed.

Thanks be to God!